At The End Of The Final Ride It Was Fan vs. Writer

Have you ever killed somebody and then regretted it later?

I mean you planned it for days, weeks … dude even months carrying out all the details, envisioning out all the scenarios, and trying to answer all the what-ifs in your mind. Trying to make the perfect plan.

And then you do it … it’s done.

At first you feel great about it … it had to be done, there’s no other way. But then something tugs at your heart, and it sits heavy on your chest. You begin second guessing yourself wondering, did that have to happen?

Yeah writers got problems.

As a writer I know where the story has to go and what the characters have to do in order to stay true to the life of the story, I know it. But sometimes the emotion of the fan inside me gets in the way and I struggle. But this tends to happen more while reading or watching someone else’s story, and not so much when it’s my own.

This is what happened last night during the two-hour series finale of the most dramatically intense Emmy-and-Golden-Globe-worthy show I’ve ever seen. But they have yet to receive one. It’s like that one great player that never got the championship ring.

Sons of Anarchy ended last night and I can’t even begin to tell you about how the finale made the fan and writer inside me feel. It was a a battle. Had that same feeling of mourning I did with the The Wire, Breaking Bad, LOST, 24, and Friday Night Lights.

Dude … if you haven’t caught up with all the Anarchy then you best stop reading …

“I’m sorry, JT. It was too late for me. I was already inside it. And Gemma … she had plans. But it’s not too late for my boys. I promise, they will never know this life. I understand who you are now. What you did. I love you, dad.” — Jax Teller

 

Jax Teller

 

Did our hero have to die?

Yeah, I guess he did.

 

Kurt Sutter

In true form, writing genius and creator Kurt Sutter had to keep the story honest, so yeah I guess Jax did have to end it. Jax arrived at the same crossroads his father, John Teller had come to years earlier. Only this time Jax was going to get it right.

“I realized a good father and a good outlaw can’t settle inside the same man.” — Jax Teller

 

The fan inside me was hoping there would be another way to keep him riding all the way until the end, just like I had wished for his best friend Opie and his wife Tara.

 

Opie Winston

Tara Knowles

 

I was rooting for it. You know me, I love the underdog story. But the writer inside me knew the tougher choice needed to be made and the series had to end with his death. It was for the sake of the story. There was no other ending that seemed right and with that heartbreak came and engulfed me.

So with this crisis and epic sadness over the end of my favorite show and the death of Jax Teller, I began to wonder if other writers had the same issue. Do you ever struggle with that or is it just when watching other stories unfold?

Undergoing the loss of a character is a tough thing for both the fan and the writer in me, because he wasn’t just black and white. He was layered with complexities just like us … he was a good man within the criminal world. He was the good, the bad, and at times the ugly. But in the end he went out like a hero and made the ultimate sacrifice for his boys and for his club.

And even though I knew it was going to happen the fan in me hoped that it wouldn’t. But the writer understood and sadly I’m still all tore up over it. It was one hell of a final ride.

Don’t think I have enough chocolate for this one.

 

How Do You Get Over It?

I’m in recovery mode.

It took 48 hours to get through this, I mean I’m still getting through it. I’m still in disbelief even though I saw it coming, I’m in denial because it was so shocking and it hurt. For a minute I thought, maybe. I was so invested, I really thought he would make it to the end.

But I should have known.

The almighty writing genius Kurt Sutter from Sons of Anarchy had other plans.

He broke my heart … again. Just when I thought I recovered from Opie and Tara’s gruesome deaths he killed off another of my favorites. I guess I knew he wasn’t coming back after Moses took his eye out.

 

Rest In Peace…

 

So I sat there in the dark of Daylight Savings Time as the credits rolled wondering why the hell he keeps killing off all these great characters, but leaves these twisted sociopaths in excellent health. Then I realized … their death will be epic, of the I-can’t-even category. But still does that justify the utter devastation that me and the rest of the Samcro faithful feel?

No.

I’d still like to see Opie, Tara, and Bobby Elvis.

I was rooting for them, I’m a lover of the underdog stories so when they kill my character and the future storyline I’d imagined I’m in need of a moment.

So with all my TV watching experience, how do I continually get over the death of beloved characters? How do I get over it?

Well … sometimes I don’t. I remain angry and hurt for weeks. I get so attached to these people because they’ve become people to me. It’s the writer in me, I get so attached to their story and their journey. It sucks when it ends in an untimely manner.

Sometimes the death is so shocking, like when they shot JR and you thought he was dead, that you can barely function the next day. These cliffhanger moments cause chest pains, anxiety attacks and bouts of profanity, which is probably why I enjoy watching Netflix because I can binge watch and find out what happens on my own timeline.

But heroes still die on Netflix.

So what do you do?

Recovery takes a while, it always does.

I’ve seen 24, LOST, The Sopranos, The Wire, and The Shield where some my favorites didn’t quite make it to the end, and it helps if you have a buddy. The mourning period goes by quicker because you have someone who gets it. My Dad was my buddy.

My Dad was around back then and I was able to go through this with my TV-watching-partner-in-crime buddy. We’d have never-ending panel discussion for days and share our best moments of the season. It was awesome. Unfortunately I’m flying solo in my epic television adventures and only have one other friend to discuss these Holy-Crap Sons of Anarchy moments, but she lives like two hours away. So we send text messages to each other.

Text messages are good but I wish she lived closer, and since I don’t have an actual Sons of Anarchy cohort, I remain at a loss and wishing that Sutter never ended Bobby’s journey. I hope for revenge a lot.

 

Jax Teller

 

Revenge is a good thing and I hope it comes for Jax. I’m waiting for it.

If that doesn’t pan out, chocolate works wonders. Chocolate and profanity.

 

 

 

It Broke My Heart … And I Forgot to Check My Crazy at The Door

HOLY CRAP!

The night was filled with profanity and disbelief. The unexpected happened, but in retrospect I should’ve known he was going to rip my heart out.

There I was six years ago minding my own business, when a friend calls me and says you should really watch this new show. I’m totally into it. They’re doing a marathon on account of the season finale.

And there it was … that’s where it began. I blame Michelle for this state I’m in. She turned me into a Sons of Anarchy junkie, where apparently no one is ever safe in the city of Charming.

Image via FXNetworks.com/soa

It’s been six years and I can’t stop the surprises from blowing my mind.

Usually I can see things coming, but this totally broke my heart and left me in my I-can’t-believe-this-just-happened state of mind. I couldn’t even sleep thinking about it.

He killed her. He totally killed her off and he broke my heart in the process.

In one of the best season finales I’ve seen, Son’s of Anarchy creator Kurt Sutter kills off Doctor Tara Knowles: Jax Teller‘s wife, his old lady, the love of his life, the mother of his two kids, and the moral compass to his being.

Image via FXNetworks.com/soa

Who does that? Who kills off someone so important to the main character?

Who leaves two little boys alone with the possibility of a junkie ex-girlfriend or murdering grandma vying for guardianship?

Who?

Who makes you believe that Jax will own up and protect his family at all costs, only to be betrayed by his own mother?

Who?

Sutter.

You bastard.

I used to think he was a writing genius, but now I think he’s just a crazy madman toying with my emotions and breaking my heart at the end of every season. First it was Opie, Jax’s best friend and right-hand man, who was literally beaten to death in front of his eyes. I thought dude … did that just happen? How the hell is Jax going to recover from that? It took me a while to mourn that loss. And now this?

Dude I am heavily wrapped in Sons of Anarchy drama. Complete geek.  Although, I don’t even know if I can say geek when referring to an outlaw motorcycle club show, but in essence, that’s who I am … I’ve turned into one of those Star Trek Super Crazed Fans that know the Spock language and is completely obsessed with the Enterprise. That’s me … however instead of polyester space suits and pointy ears my obsession revolves around motorcycles, black leather, and murder.

There have only been a few shows that get me to a state of craziness like this … LOST, 24, The X-Files, Breaking Bad, The Sopranos. They consume me and  I get so emotionally involved that if I saw one the actors out in the open I would totally jaywalk across congested life-and-death traffic and scale a 20-foot fence just to say how much I love them, but I’d do my best not to come off stalker like.

Realistically it doesn’t make sense for me to get all crazy hostile over Tara’s unexpected departure, but I loved this character. She was a strong woman with flaws and depth. I loved watching her and Jax on-screen.

Poor Tara, she was trying to do the right thing and ended up getting stabbed to death by Jax’s manipulative and controlling mother, Gemma, who escapes without Jax knowing. But of course Tara had to die, she knew all the secrets, including the fact that Gemma also had a hand in killing Jax’s real father, John.  However at least she got to speak her truth about their relationship and Jax spoke his, and they reconnected. At least Jax stepped up and chose her over the club, something I thought would not happen.

“You’re a husband … and a father … and a man before all of this. Own your place.”

Image via FXNetworks.com/SOA

And Jax did. He did. He listened to prosecutor Patterson. And I was left hopeful … but I should have known. Hope gets shot in Charming.

I was left stunned. In the end, Jax was left finding Tara’s body on the kitchen floor, next to the dead sheriff who was trying to protect her.

Dude I don’t know if I can handle much more, Sutter.

Can I see Karma catching up to Gemma in Season 7?

Dude.

Can I?

Can I see Jax fulfill Tara’s wishes and get his family out of Charming and away from crazy Gemma?

Image via FXNetworks.com/SOA

Can I?

Considering that Opie’s wife was also killed because of SOA Club drama, can I see Jax’s fate or path being different from Opie’s?

Can I?

You’re killing me, Sutter. Killing me.

For six seasons I’ve been loyal, totally sucked into this biker world with plenty of Holy-Crap moments. However, this one tops the list. I mean if I had a support system, maybe I wouldn’t have been so devastated. But there I was, freaking out on the couch, by myself with no Sons of Anarchy after-the-show-I’ll-comfort-you-this-actually-didn’t-happen group. Just me and some chocolate.

And the show’s message boards.

Yeah … it got so crazy that I went online to the social media world I dislike so much and hit the message boards.

Has that ever happened to you? Where you’re a normal person but turned into a crazed fan?

Yeah that’s what broken hearts do. We forget to check our crazy at the door.

 

SOA Causes My Holy Crap State of Mind

There aren’t many things that leave me speechless. But this one … dude … this one had me taking a moment of silence. I couldn’t believe it.  There I was at 12:47 a.m. sitting in the dark, in complete disbelief of what had happened.

Just when I thought that the creator of Sons of Anarchy couldn’t outdo himself with more twists and turns, he did. Kurt Sutter … he went to a whole new level with the season finale on Tuesday night.

I mean during the season I thought I had seen everything when Opie, Jax’s best friend and one of the most integral members of the club and of his life, was beaten to death with a lead pipe in prison. I mean I was in total shock on that one. How could they kill Opie? Opie! I was angry for like two weeks and in disbelief for the rest of season.

I thought that was everything … but no it wasn’t. Sutter did not color within the lines. He went way above and beyond that.

Arrested. Can you believe it? I couldn’t. Mother of two arrested for conspiracy to commit murder, and she was innocent.

Image via FXnetwork.com/SOA

And Jax? He just stood there as they took Tara away. Then his crazy mother, Gemma, who’s got this sick kind of Gertrude-Hamlet love for him, comes swooshing in to help “take care” of her family — take care of “her boys”.

Fade to black.

That was the final scene.

Dude.

All Tara wanted to do was get her family out of “the life,”  but crazy Gemma wouldn’t let it happen. Talk about having issues with your mother-in-law.

The drama of Sons of Anarchy continues to amaze me.  For those of you that don’t know the show revolves around a motorcycle club, who resides in the city of Charming. It chronicles the internal struggle for power to lead the club in the right direction, and the family battles that come with balancing what’s good for the club and what’s good for a family.

Image via FXNetwork.com/SOA

And once again I was part of the masses … the 4 million and change that tuned into watch the intense motorcycle gang family drama season finale on FX. It had me in a daze, in awe, and in an extended holy crap state of mind the entire night. I mean I didn’t even eat my chocolate. It was that serious.

The sad part was that I couldn’t even talk to anybody about it. No one was around at 12:47 a.m. I couldn’t really call anybody and say… did you watch that? Did you see that? What the hell? There was no can-you-believe-that-happened conversation, which I needed desperately. I was so juiced up from the show that I couldn’t fall asleep. And seeing that I have two kids that run me ragged all day, sleeping is never an issue for me. Ever. But I did Tuesday night. I had all these thoughts and what-if scenarios in my head that kept my writer brain excited all night. I paid for it when I had to wake up early the next morning. Sleep is precious to me, but I forgive you Kurt Sutter. I forgive you for taking that way.

But only because you’re amazing. And only because you have the power to bring Tara back on a mission for revenge.

So what happens now?

Now … now I just wait for season six.

 

 

It’s The Reason Why I Watch The FX Network

I don’t consider myself a biker chick. I don’t own a leather vest or leather chaps. I don’t own anything Harley-Davidson related. I have no tattoos. But I am a SAMCRO follower. I’ve been there since the beginning.

Image via FXNetworks.com

I hear the guitar strum … then my heart beats, and I nod my head in rhythm …

Riding through this world
All alone
God takes your soul
You’re on your own
The crow flies straight
A perfect line
On the devil’s bed
Until you die
Gotta look this life
In the eye …

Me … the sporty nerd was part of the masses. I was one of the 5.4 million viewers that tuned in this week to watch the season premiere of  Sons Of Anarchy.

Charlie Hunnam … dude.  Charlie. I took no phone calls. I turned off the computer. Made sure the kids were asleep by eight-thirty and then I ignored everybody in the household. It was SAMCRO time.

Image via FXNetworks.com

I wasn’t with my feet up, relaxing on the couch. I was on full edge of the couch alert mode, completely engaged in all the drama and action.

Why is it that I found myself completely ignoring the what’s-for-dinner question? I mean other than Charlie Hunnam … dude … Charlie. Hmmmmmm. He plays Jax Teller. Hmmmm. Jax Teller. No it wasn’t only the hot dude. It was  his opening monologue.

“Finding things that make you happy shouldn’t be that hard … There’s an old saying ‘that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I don’t believe that. I think the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. Strength comes from the good things. Your family. Your friends. The satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that will keep you whole. Those are the things you hold onto when you’re broken.”

Who does that? Who writes nitty-gritty awesome life advice like that? A genius.  A genius with a beard. Kurt Sutter.

If you haven’t watched the show … it’s O.K. I forgive you. They’ve got Hulu and Netflix now. You can catch up. But in short … it’s about an outlaw motorcycle club  in the city of Charming, California and their struggle to protect their club’s existence and semi-peaceful way of life. It’s got drama, violence, dark humor, and motorcycle stuff. It’s also got my undivided attention every Tuesday night.

Jax Teller is trying so hard to do the right thing, leave the motorcycle club, and make a new life with his family far away. But the drama, the past, the ties to his father who was an original member of the club, the revenge for his father’s death, the feud with his step-father who’s also a club member — a sneaky one, and his controlling mom whose all up in the club’s business,  keeps pulling him back in.

All this keeps me coming back every season.

I like watching Jax Teller’s inner conflict surface. Not because I enjoy people’s troubles but because he’s genuinely a good guy with a pure heart in an outlaw world, living by a code and trying to do what’s right for everyone.  He’s trying to stick to his father’s manifesto and bring the club back to a good place, but conflict arises and he tries his best to deal with it. He’s just like everyone else on earth … conflicted … except everyone else isn’t the president of an outlaw motorcycle club.

I was glued to the television this week, and will probably do so the entire season. So if it’s Tuesday night you’ll know where I’ll be … sitting on the edge of my couch along with the other 5.4 million people who watch.

Dude. FX rocks.