Dreamcatchers

 

I love Jax Teller. He’s the wisest Son of Anarchy I’ve ever known.

I’ve said this to you before … in many of my past SOA posts, I’ve opened your eyes tot this quote before and the genius of the way it captured a very common feeling I’ve experienced.

I remember the episode and can still hear his voice. And I remember especially last week when I was in the midst of finding strength when doubt was creeping in on my dreams.

You see I find that crappy things do make me angry and sad, but I’ve learned that there are things and people that keep me strong, and unbroken, keep my dreams alive in my while I sleep and my dream catching awake efforts in full effect when the sun is out.

Community.

Everybody needs one.

I’ve found that outside my circle of trust, this motley crew of a blogging community has strengthened my belief in finding the funny when things go wrong, fortified my belief in “it” can happen, and boosted my confidence with its visits, comments, and clicks on the “like” button.

I’ve recently been made aware of how important it is to surround yourself with people who “get it,” who challenge you, who make you want to be better, who make you strive, who encourage the dreamcatcher in you.

I’ve got living breathing people I see on a weekly basis that do that over here, but this Word Press community has a way of adding a different dimension to that, because they’re dreamcatchers spread all over the country and across the pond. Whether it has to do with family, Lame Adventures, Wild Riders, Bucket List stories, retiring and hanging out in South Africa, Brickhousing, Drinking Well With Others, 2.0 stories, educational adventures, cooking expeditions, Mom stories, Dad stories, cycling enthusiasm, Apple Pie and Napalm music lists, Happiness Projects or Making Your Mark this community has helped me stay whole when I was pretty holey at times.

So I thank you for your support and helping me find another group of dreamcatchers that believe in good times and noodle salad moments, the kind you need to bottle up and keep.

Being part of a community is important when you’re trying to be better than you were yesterday, hopefully you’ve found many of yours to help you get wherever it is you’re going.

 

 

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At The End Of The Final Ride It Was Fan vs. Writer

Have you ever killed somebody and then regretted it later?

I mean you planned it for days, weeks … dude even months carrying out all the details, envisioning out all the scenarios, and trying to answer all the what-ifs in your mind. Trying to make the perfect plan.

And then you do it … it’s done.

At first you feel great about it … it had to be done, there’s no other way. But then something tugs at your heart, and it sits heavy on your chest. You begin second guessing yourself wondering, did that have to happen?

Yeah writers got problems.

As a writer I know where the story has to go and what the characters have to do in order to stay true to the life of the story, I know it. But sometimes the emotion of the fan inside me gets in the way and I struggle. But this tends to happen more while reading or watching someone else’s story, and not so much when it’s my own.

This is what happened last night during the two-hour series finale of the most dramatically intense Emmy-and-Golden-Globe-worthy show I’ve ever seen. But they have yet to receive one. It’s like that one great player that never got the championship ring.

Sons of Anarchy ended last night and I can’t even begin to tell you about how the finale made the fan and writer inside me feel. It was a a battle. Had that same feeling of mourning I did with the The Wire, Breaking Bad, LOST, 24, and Friday Night Lights.

Dude … if you haven’t caught up with all the Anarchy then you best stop reading …

“I’m sorry, JT. It was too late for me. I was already inside it. And Gemma … she had plans. But it’s not too late for my boys. I promise, they will never know this life. I understand who you are now. What you did. I love you, dad.” — Jax Teller

 

Jax Teller

 

Did our hero have to die?

Yeah, I guess he did.

 

Kurt Sutter

In true form, writing genius and creator Kurt Sutter had to keep the story honest, so yeah I guess Jax did have to end it. Jax arrived at the same crossroads his father, John Teller had come to years earlier. Only this time Jax was going to get it right.

“I realized a good father and a good outlaw can’t settle inside the same man.” — Jax Teller

 

The fan inside me was hoping there would be another way to keep him riding all the way until the end, just like I had wished for his best friend Opie and his wife Tara.

 

Opie Winston

Tara Knowles

 

I was rooting for it. You know me, I love the underdog story. But the writer inside me knew the tougher choice needed to be made and the series had to end with his death. It was for the sake of the story. There was no other ending that seemed right and with that heartbreak came and engulfed me.

So with this crisis and epic sadness over the end of my favorite show and the death of Jax Teller, I began to wonder if other writers had the same issue. Do you ever struggle with that or is it just when watching other stories unfold?

Undergoing the loss of a character is a tough thing for both the fan and the writer in me, because he wasn’t just black and white. He was layered with complexities just like us … he was a good man within the criminal world. He was the good, the bad, and at times the ugly. But in the end he went out like a hero and made the ultimate sacrifice for his boys and for his club.

And even though I knew it was going to happen the fan in me hoped that it wouldn’t. But the writer understood and sadly I’m still all tore up over it. It was one hell of a final ride.

Don’t think I have enough chocolate for this one.

 

Brace Yourselves … The End of Teller Tuesdays is Near

Dear Jax,

I can’t even …I mean I can’t.

This is definitely a Holy Crap moment.

I can’t believe it’s here. I just can’t. I mean part of me is in denial about the whole thing. I know it’s real I know it’s gonna happen and I know I’m gonna have a difficult time letting go.

But I’ve got to … there’s just no other way

You have been in my life for seven years. It’s been seven years … seven … and now things are coming to an end and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m excited about what’s to come, but feeling the anxiety of knowing it’s the end.

I’m riding an emotional roller coaster on a Harley.

I’m in midst of mourning the loss of this relationship and coming to the realization that you will no longer be in my life on a weekly basis.

I feel like all the good men in my life have left me.

I didn’t know what to do without Tony. I knew I’d miss Tommy. I mean I was at a loss with Jack. Devastated with losing Jesse and Walter. And now it’s you … I have to say good-bye to you. I knew you’d be a heart breaker the moment I saw you.

You were the dangerous, charming and gentle-hearted type of outlaw.

SOA Season 1

SOA Season 2

SOA Season 3

SOA Season 4

SOA Season 5

SOA Season 7

I knew you were walking the line, but I still fell for you. Your heart was in a good place, you were suffering from the hero’s complex, always trying to do right, but being pulled in all kinds of directions so the wrong eventually surfaced. I’m gonna miss being in your life, hearing your thoughts, and riding this final journey with you.

Some of the best parts of being on this final ride with you were listening to the deepest thoughts from the most complicated part of your soul, reading your father’s letters and manuscript, watching your relationship with Tara, seeing your brotherhood with Opie and Chibs get stronger, realizing that we both liked and hated your crazy mother, and rooting for you to succeed as a family man … but most of all it was the drama. The intense blow-my-mind-I-need-a-defibrillator-because-my-heart-couldn’t-take-it-anymore kind of drama pulled me in every week. You pulled me in …

Your story Jax.

It was your story that drew me in and for that I suppose I have to thank the genius behind you Kurt Sutter.

But now it ends.

Tomorrow is the BIG day. Tomorrow at 10 o’clock on FX Network I will be anxiously and nervously awaiting the end of your story … the end of my beloved Sons of Anarchy A.K.A. SAMCRO. I am happy to see how it will end, but saddened to realize that it has an end.

Tomorrow there will no longer be Teller Tuesdays … just Tuesdays. Brace yourselves, I know I’ll have to because I can guarantee you that it will feel empty and it will suck, that’s the feeling of knowing you won’t be there. That’s how it’s gonna feel.

Am I being a little dramatic?

No, not really. Not if you’re a fan like me.

I was glad to have known you. You’ve kept me company every Tuesday night for the past seven years.

Teller Tuesdays … they’ve been an awesome ride.

The Final Ride … I’m All In Favor For Revenge

 

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

I can’t even tell you …

I can’t even.

Am I ready?

Am I ready!

Dude.

I’ve been ready since the end of last season.

I’ve been living in shock.

I’ve been wallowing in heartbreak.

The death of my poor Tara, and not just any death, but a violent one at the hands of crazy Gemma.

The death of happily ever after for Jax and Tara.

The death of the truth behind his father’s murder.

The death of a future for his sons, Abel and Thomas.

The birth of more lies.

But hopefully it’s also the birth of revenge.

I’m waiting.

I’ve been waiting.

Patiently.

I know people say you should always take the higher ground, but being that it’s the final season, I’m all in favor of revenge.

Revenge is a good thing, especially when your mom is Gemma … she deserves to go down.

Kurt, are you listening?

Sutter!

You keep killing people who don’t need to die.

First Donna

Then Piney.

Then Opie.

Then Tara.

Dude.

I damn near lost it with Opie.

And my heart broke with Tara.

Dude.

You need to rectify the situation.

It’s Gemma’s time.

And I’ll be watching … closely.

The Final Ride starts Tuesday.

9/9

I’ll be watching.

Nobody better call me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It Broke My Heart … And I Forgot to Check My Crazy at The Door

HOLY CRAP!

The night was filled with profanity and disbelief. The unexpected happened, but in retrospect I should’ve known he was going to rip my heart out.

There I was six years ago minding my own business, when a friend calls me and says you should really watch this new show. I’m totally into it. They’re doing a marathon on account of the season finale.

And there it was … that’s where it began. I blame Michelle for this state I’m in. She turned me into a Sons of Anarchy junkie, where apparently no one is ever safe in the city of Charming.

Image via FXNetworks.com/soa

It’s been six years and I can’t stop the surprises from blowing my mind.

Usually I can see things coming, but this totally broke my heart and left me in my I-can’t-believe-this-just-happened state of mind. I couldn’t even sleep thinking about it.

He killed her. He totally killed her off and he broke my heart in the process.

In one of the best season finales I’ve seen, Son’s of Anarchy creator Kurt Sutter kills off Doctor Tara Knowles: Jax Teller‘s wife, his old lady, the love of his life, the mother of his two kids, and the moral compass to his being.

Image via FXNetworks.com/soa

Who does that? Who kills off someone so important to the main character?

Who leaves two little boys alone with the possibility of a junkie ex-girlfriend or murdering grandma vying for guardianship?

Who?

Who makes you believe that Jax will own up and protect his family at all costs, only to be betrayed by his own mother?

Who?

Sutter.

You bastard.

I used to think he was a writing genius, but now I think he’s just a crazy madman toying with my emotions and breaking my heart at the end of every season. First it was Opie, Jax’s best friend and right-hand man, who was literally beaten to death in front of his eyes. I thought dude … did that just happen? How the hell is Jax going to recover from that? It took me a while to mourn that loss. And now this?

Dude I am heavily wrapped in Sons of Anarchy drama. Complete geek.  Although, I don’t even know if I can say geek when referring to an outlaw motorcycle club show, but in essence, that’s who I am … I’ve turned into one of those Star Trek Super Crazed Fans that know the Spock language and is completely obsessed with the Enterprise. That’s me … however instead of polyester space suits and pointy ears my obsession revolves around motorcycles, black leather, and murder.

There have only been a few shows that get me to a state of craziness like this … LOST, 24, The X-Files, Breaking Bad, The Sopranos. They consume me and  I get so emotionally involved that if I saw one the actors out in the open I would totally jaywalk across congested life-and-death traffic and scale a 20-foot fence just to say how much I love them, but I’d do my best not to come off stalker like.

Realistically it doesn’t make sense for me to get all crazy hostile over Tara’s unexpected departure, but I loved this character. She was a strong woman with flaws and depth. I loved watching her and Jax on-screen.

Poor Tara, she was trying to do the right thing and ended up getting stabbed to death by Jax’s manipulative and controlling mother, Gemma, who escapes without Jax knowing. But of course Tara had to die, she knew all the secrets, including the fact that Gemma also had a hand in killing Jax’s real father, John.  However at least she got to speak her truth about their relationship and Jax spoke his, and they reconnected. At least Jax stepped up and chose her over the club, something I thought would not happen.

“You’re a husband … and a father … and a man before all of this. Own your place.”

Image via FXNetworks.com/SOA

And Jax did. He did. He listened to prosecutor Patterson. And I was left hopeful … but I should have known. Hope gets shot in Charming.

I was left stunned. In the end, Jax was left finding Tara’s body on the kitchen floor, next to the dead sheriff who was trying to protect her.

Dude I don’t know if I can handle much more, Sutter.

Can I see Karma catching up to Gemma in Season 7?

Dude.

Can I?

Can I see Jax fulfill Tara’s wishes and get his family out of Charming and away from crazy Gemma?

Image via FXNetworks.com/SOA

Can I?

Considering that Opie’s wife was also killed because of SOA Club drama, can I see Jax’s fate or path being different from Opie’s?

Can I?

You’re killing me, Sutter. Killing me.

For six seasons I’ve been loyal, totally sucked into this biker world with plenty of Holy-Crap moments. However, this one tops the list. I mean if I had a support system, maybe I wouldn’t have been so devastated. But there I was, freaking out on the couch, by myself with no Sons of Anarchy after-the-show-I’ll-comfort-you-this-actually-didn’t-happen group. Just me and some chocolate.

And the show’s message boards.

Yeah … it got so crazy that I went online to the social media world I dislike so much and hit the message boards.

Has that ever happened to you? Where you’re a normal person but turned into a crazed fan?

Yeah that’s what broken hearts do. We forget to check our crazy at the door.

 

The Women of SOA … Are You Tara or Gemma?

I thought I was having a bad week, but being in prison and thinking your mother-in-law put you there … yeah that seems to raise it up a level.

Tara Knowles-Teller … Jax Teller‘s old lady.

Image via TVNetworks.com/SOA

For months, I’ve been dying to find out what the hell happened on Sons of Anarchy. I’ve been counting down for the awesome SOA party premiere … Guat Party of One. And I rocked it with my pot roast and baked potatoes. Food-Network worthy for sure.

But aside from my awesome spread, the show itself had me. It got me. I didn’t need ambiance to appreciate it, the love just grows as you watch and get attached to the lives of these people, because they change. They’re no longer characters … they’re people.

And even though I love looking at Jax (the amazing Charlie Hunnam), and hearing his awesome internal dialogue, which shares wisdom necessary to life as you know it, I was more interested in the women’s story line.

These are strong women.

Fierce.

Image via FXNetworks.com/SOA

Granted one is a crazy. Gemma, the mother-in-law who lies and manipulates her son and others in order to gain some sort of influence within the biker club. There is nothing this lady won’t do to keep her family close. And even though she’s crazy, I think that crazy suits her. The crazy comes from a weird caring, and loving place.

And she makes no apologies for her means to an end. Gemma is the matriarch that keeps them together, that’s how she envisions herself. She’s a woman of authority and respect. And the strength that comes from that doesn’t even have to come through violence, or threatening words, although for Gemma they do. However it’s her demeanor, her style, that is it strong and the love for her family only strengthens her resolve.

But we don’t all want to be the crazy kind of strong. We want other kinds. Sometimes the Tara kind.

Tara … she fell in love with Jax, her high-school flame and now president of SOA. And I loved the line from the Season 5 finale where she told Jax that part of being his old lady meant being strong when he wasn’t, and being able to make decisions that he couldn’t or wouldn’t do. Being able to recognize that characteristic put her on another level.

I liked that because she was right. I liked that even during rough circumstances, she knew the conversation with Jax was going to be uncomfortable, but she had it anyway. She stood her ground ready to take the kids and leave the biker town of Charming. She sensed that the cycle may start repeating itself, so she took a stand. Granted she was arrested right after that, but we all know she didn’t commit any kind of conspiracy to commit murder. And that whole lingering thought that Gemma made that happen definitely had my wheels spinning. Might have been the crazy strong driving her. But of course we find out who was really behind her arrest in the Season 6 premiere and all you can say is ‘Holy Crap!’

I admire that not all chicks on this show are weaker than their male counterparts. I enjoy that both of the female leads are badasses in their own way.

But I’d probably prefer Tara’s type of strength. It’s strong, vulnerable and smart. Although when life happens you really need your crazy Gemma strength on speed dial.

Shark Week And Little Miracles

This weekend I had one of those the door-slammed-shut-so-look-out-the-window life experiences.

Let me tell you … those suck.

Now normally these frustrating learning experiences revolve around my career or struggle for it. But for some reason life decided to expand its parameters and take a shot at me on a personal level too. It knocked me out in the twelfth round. But no worries … I’m a brown belt, right? Only two belts away from being considered a black belt, a lethal weapon, so I figured I could dig deep inside and find something to pull me out.

But the thing about these check-the-window-because-the-door-is-closed experiences is that not only do they make you sad, they make you upset too. You’re a whole ball of emotions and you’re trying to think rationally, but that never works. You don’t have ration when crises take place. You always need to take a breath. So during my breathing moment I remembered the awesome, wise words of Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy.

“…That which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I don’t believe that. I think  the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. Strength comes from the  good things – your family, your friends, the satisfaction of hard work. Those  are the things that’ll keep you whole. Those are the things to hold on to when  you’re broken.”

Yeah he was right. I was angry and sad at the same time, not a good combination to be walking around with in public. These kind of emotions should be held in private over a couple of pints of Ben &Jerry’s. But with two kids, the daylight hours don’t give you the time to drown your sorrows in chocolate. So I grabbed hold of Jax’s words and headed to the beach with my kids in hopes that sand castles and the Pacific Ocean would help me out.

Normally I’m not one that looks for little signs, but that day I was grasping at anything to be grateful for … anything that would help me flip the switch.

Getting green lights all the way to the highway … nice.

No traffic all the way to the beach … even better.

Kids not yelling in the car over who got the better superhero book … sweet.

Hitting the radio stations and finding uplifting dance songs or country tunes on every station … awesome.

Finding the very last parking space in a full lot … priceless.

The journey to the Pacific Ocean appeared to be working its magic, because usually when I’m trying to feel better something happens. Something, followed by something else that usually creates an avalanche-type of situation where one little thing builds on another and soon profanity seems like the only answer.

But not today. Today small miracles were working in my favor.

However you always have your little setbacks. And just as the plastic shovels and buckets hit the sand those thoughts began creeping in … you know those picky kind that try to suck out the good time that you are currently having at the moment. The kind that creep up on you after a phone call or random comment from a stranger, some Debbie Downer moment you worked so hard to avoid. Little setbacks, but then this is when it happened. This is when I saw it.

Now normally I would have thought this sighting to be ironic considering I was at the beach, but instead I just found it as a sign, another little miracle thrown my way. A funny one.

Image via DiscoveryChannel

As I was attempting to build the smallest sandcastle in history, my son pointed up to the sky and I saw it. A small plane dragging a banner across a sky.

SHARK WEEK BEGINS TODAY.

Dude. I couldn’t believe it. I shook my head and laughed. Yeah Shark Week. I had forgotten about Shark Week and my mantra … “Live every week like it’s shark week.” Even the crappy ones. Just find a moment a Shark-Week moment to get you through.

So I dropped the shovels, grabbed the kids, the boogie board, and headed toward the water. Nothing like a Shark Week banner to inspire you to get into open waters. Well to be fair we just stuck around the shore. I always remembered the Rogue Sharks episode describing man-eating sharks, no need to get too inspired and head deep into the ocean. The shore proved to be just fine.

Happy Shark Week everyone.

 

This is my first Yeah Write challenge, go ahead and visit to see other writers.

 

SOA Causes My Holy Crap State of Mind

There aren’t many things that leave me speechless. But this one … dude … this one had me taking a moment of silence. I couldn’t believe it.  There I was at 12:47 a.m. sitting in the dark, in complete disbelief of what had happened.

Just when I thought that the creator of Sons of Anarchy couldn’t outdo himself with more twists and turns, he did. Kurt Sutter … he went to a whole new level with the season finale on Tuesday night.

I mean during the season I thought I had seen everything when Opie, Jax’s best friend and one of the most integral members of the club and of his life, was beaten to death with a lead pipe in prison. I mean I was in total shock on that one. How could they kill Opie? Opie! I was angry for like two weeks and in disbelief for the rest of season.

I thought that was everything … but no it wasn’t. Sutter did not color within the lines. He went way above and beyond that.

Arrested. Can you believe it? I couldn’t. Mother of two arrested for conspiracy to commit murder, and she was innocent.

Image via FXnetwork.com/SOA

And Jax? He just stood there as they took Tara away. Then his crazy mother, Gemma, who’s got this sick kind of Gertrude-Hamlet love for him, comes swooshing in to help “take care” of her family — take care of “her boys”.

Fade to black.

That was the final scene.

Dude.

All Tara wanted to do was get her family out of “the life,”  but crazy Gemma wouldn’t let it happen. Talk about having issues with your mother-in-law.

The drama of Sons of Anarchy continues to amaze me.  For those of you that don’t know the show revolves around a motorcycle club, who resides in the city of Charming. It chronicles the internal struggle for power to lead the club in the right direction, and the family battles that come with balancing what’s good for the club and what’s good for a family.

Image via FXNetwork.com/SOA

And once again I was part of the masses … the 4 million and change that tuned into watch the intense motorcycle gang family drama season finale on FX. It had me in a daze, in awe, and in an extended holy crap state of mind the entire night. I mean I didn’t even eat my chocolate. It was that serious.

The sad part was that I couldn’t even talk to anybody about it. No one was around at 12:47 a.m. I couldn’t really call anybody and say… did you watch that? Did you see that? What the hell? There was no can-you-believe-that-happened conversation, which I needed desperately. I was so juiced up from the show that I couldn’t fall asleep. And seeing that I have two kids that run me ragged all day, sleeping is never an issue for me. Ever. But I did Tuesday night. I had all these thoughts and what-if scenarios in my head that kept my writer brain excited all night. I paid for it when I had to wake up early the next morning. Sleep is precious to me, but I forgive you Kurt Sutter. I forgive you for taking that way.

But only because you’re amazing. And only because you have the power to bring Tara back on a mission for revenge.

So what happens now?

Now … now I just wait for season six.

 

 

It’s The Reason Why I Watch The FX Network

I don’t consider myself a biker chick. I don’t own a leather vest or leather chaps. I don’t own anything Harley-Davidson related. I have no tattoos. But I am a SAMCRO follower. I’ve been there since the beginning.

Image via FXNetworks.com

I hear the guitar strum … then my heart beats, and I nod my head in rhythm …

Riding through this world
All alone
God takes your soul
You’re on your own
The crow flies straight
A perfect line
On the devil’s bed
Until you die
Gotta look this life
In the eye …

Me … the sporty nerd was part of the masses. I was one of the 5.4 million viewers that tuned in this week to watch the season premiere of  Sons Of Anarchy.

Charlie Hunnam … dude.  Charlie. I took no phone calls. I turned off the computer. Made sure the kids were asleep by eight-thirty and then I ignored everybody in the household. It was SAMCRO time.

Image via FXNetworks.com

I wasn’t with my feet up, relaxing on the couch. I was on full edge of the couch alert mode, completely engaged in all the drama and action.

Why is it that I found myself completely ignoring the what’s-for-dinner question? I mean other than Charlie Hunnam … dude … Charlie. Hmmmmmm. He plays Jax Teller. Hmmmm. Jax Teller. No it wasn’t only the hot dude. It was  his opening monologue.

“Finding things that make you happy shouldn’t be that hard … There’s an old saying ‘that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I don’t believe that. I think the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. Strength comes from the good things. Your family. Your friends. The satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that will keep you whole. Those are the things you hold onto when you’re broken.”

Who does that? Who writes nitty-gritty awesome life advice like that? A genius.  A genius with a beard. Kurt Sutter.

If you haven’t watched the show … it’s O.K. I forgive you. They’ve got Hulu and Netflix now. You can catch up. But in short … it’s about an outlaw motorcycle club  in the city of Charming, California and their struggle to protect their club’s existence and semi-peaceful way of life. It’s got drama, violence, dark humor, and motorcycle stuff. It’s also got my undivided attention every Tuesday night.

Jax Teller is trying so hard to do the right thing, leave the motorcycle club, and make a new life with his family far away. But the drama, the past, the ties to his father who was an original member of the club, the revenge for his father’s death, the feud with his step-father who’s also a club member — a sneaky one, and his controlling mom whose all up in the club’s business,  keeps pulling him back in.

All this keeps me coming back every season.

I like watching Jax Teller’s inner conflict surface. Not because I enjoy people’s troubles but because he’s genuinely a good guy with a pure heart in an outlaw world, living by a code and trying to do what’s right for everyone.  He’s trying to stick to his father’s manifesto and bring the club back to a good place, but conflict arises and he tries his best to deal with it. He’s just like everyone else on earth … conflicted … except everyone else isn’t the president of an outlaw motorcycle club.

I was glued to the television this week, and will probably do so the entire season. So if it’s Tuesday night you’ll know where I’ll be … sitting on the edge of my couch along with the other 5.4 million people who watch.

Dude. FX rocks.