Dig Your Own Awesome Hole

2 Sep

Dear Space Invaders,

I knew you might be a problem. I was hoping you wouldn’t be. I was hoping I wouldn’t run into you, but whenever you hope for something like this not to happen, it usually does.

It wasn’t Labor Day, it was Day of the Space Invaders.

I tried to prepare myself and avoid contact with you at all costs. I marked our territory with sand toys, Tommy Bahama Costco beach chairs, towels, boogie board, and a Radio Flyer wagon. I even dug our regular giant hole in the sand, deep enough for cannonballs and construction-building action for both my five-year old and two year-old. I thought it would be enough.

But you are who you are.

I should have bought that yellow crime scene caution tape and surrounded the perimeter. Maybe that would have worked.


The scene at 11 a.m.

The scene at 11 a.m., before the sun decided to join us. After that, it got a little more crowded.


But with all these people there I doubt that even CSI tape would have helped.

Now even though I had mentally prepared myself for your presence and the many cult followers of your ideology, I did not take into consideration that you would take it to another level. I did not think you would drop off your kids at my beach site.

The digging of an awesome hole does not give you or any other parent the right to drop off your kids, while you and your posse relax, talk to your friends, read magazines, send text messages, or sleep. I’d like to do those things too, but when you go to the beach with kids there’s no down time. You should know that already.

So this is just a reminder that the digging of an awesome hole does not mean I am running a day care.

I mean I don’t mind our kids hanging out, splashing around, playing in the hole, or playing baseball with each other. I don’t. I like having fun with kids. I like having fun with my kids. It would be good if you had fun with your kids too. And it would be great if you were present so that you could check your kid so he didn’t eat sand or drown in the ocean. Drowning sucks.

And your whole my-kids-can-play-with-your-kids’-toys-it’s-O.K.-let’s-all-share fake speech is a load crap. I’m calling you out. It’s crap. You know it. I know it. I know you know that I know it. You’re just trying to lure my kids into a false sense of beach play so that you can bail. You’re gonna bail.

You’ve done it before.

I’m onto you now, mastermind. There will be no sharing of any kind.

I mean for crying out lout, I could be some kind of pedophile. You don’t know me, but there you are leaving your kids in my care and walking away. You think that just because I’ve got a nice face that I’m not crazy. Well … I’m not, but I could be. That’s the point, I could be. You know who else had a nice face … Ted Bundy. Apparently chicks thought he was hot, and we all know what happened there.

So for everyone’s safety you should really dig your own hole. Awesome holes can be dug by almost anybody. So man up, grab your Target shovel, and get to work.

The Guat



28 Responses to “Dig Your Own Awesome Hole”

  1. georgefloreswrite September 2, 2013 at 11:29 PM #

    Some people! Sheesh!

  2. brickhousechick September 3, 2013 at 6:47 AM #

    Oh Guat, this is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!! It is so true!!! Before you know it, you have a daycare and all the other parents are having the time of their lives sans kids! 🙂

    • The Guat September 5, 2013 at 3:05 PM #

      Ha! So glad this cracked you up. Yeah I did have a daycare I was in such disbelief that I forgot to take a picture of it.

  3. rommel September 3, 2013 at 8:26 AM #

    Hear ye! Hear ye!

  4. mamarific September 3, 2013 at 6:49 PM #

    This is hilarious. What is up with those people!!!

    • The Guat September 5, 2013 at 3:07 PM #

      I don’t know … it may be the water or lack of a few marbles upstairs.

  5. adinparadise September 3, 2013 at 7:14 PM #

    Unbelievable! Well written, TG. 🙂

    • The Guat September 5, 2013 at 3:11 PM #

      Thanks. It is sort of unbelievable … but unfortunately it’s true.

  6. Louise September 3, 2013 at 7:24 PM #

    That sounds like an awesome hole! My kids would love to help. You don’t mind if they borrow those shovels there, right? I’m just gonna be over (vague wave into the distance) catching up on some … stuff. Cool? Have fun!

    I loved this! And totally hear you 😉

    • The Guat September 5, 2013 at 11:44 PM #

      So glad you could feel me on this one. My hole was awesome too bad it was too awesome.

  7. Christina September 4, 2013 at 8:32 AM #

    UGH. I really really really despise some people/parents. You’re absolutely right about everything.

    • The Guat September 4, 2013 at 10:44 AM #

      HA! I know I’m so glad that there are parents out there that agree, because when I’m at the beach some of them don’t seem to have a clue. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  8. nataliedeyoung September 4, 2013 at 9:26 AM #

    Oh my gosh, that looks apocalyptic!! TERRIBLE!

    • The Guat September 4, 2013 at 10:46 AM #

      Oh! It was crazy that day … and that picture was taken a little bit before 11 a.m., once the sun came out…forget about it. There were lazy parents everywhere.

  9. Shanique Roca (@Le_Willow_Wimp) September 4, 2013 at 10:48 AM #

    LOL… Never mind they invaded your space. Now you have to be beach nanny?? That would piss me off..

    • The Guat September 5, 2013 at 11:42 PM #

      Oh so glad you could relate. It totally burned me out, but I was able to get good material from it.

  10. dorothyadele September 4, 2013 at 2:45 PM #

    I couldn’t agree more.

  11. Is Everyone an Idiot but Me? September 4, 2013 at 3:50 PM #

    Haha love this! You are so right.

    • The Guat September 5, 2013 at 11:41 PM #

      So glad you agreed and enjoyed it 🙂

  12. Kristin (@kristintwoeyes) September 4, 2013 at 6:59 PM #

    Haha, the idea of a beach hole daycare cracks me up. How ludicrous!

    • The Guat September 5, 2013 at 11:40 PM #

      Ha! Glad you could enjoy the visual….yeah I wouldn’t think it would make a good daycare, but that didn’t stop them from coming.

  13. Photography Journal Blog September 5, 2013 at 4:30 AM #

    Completely funny because it is completely true.

    • The Guat September 5, 2013 at 2:59 PM #

      Ha! I’m so glad you feel me on this one. I thought they were just in California, but they’re everywhere. 🙂

  14. Joseph Cereola September 5, 2013 at 6:41 AM #

    That’s an easy problem to fix. Just say, “I’m not watching your kid.”

    • The Guat September 5, 2013 at 2:57 PM #

      Ha! You haven’t encountered this species, have you. Telling them that doesn’t make them stop from letting their kid cling to yours … even after you leave the shoreline and say ‘hey your kid is at the beach by himself’ to which they reply from 30 yards away ‘yeah I can see him from here’.

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