Tag Archives: humor

The 20-Mule Team Saved The Day

8 Feb

They were on their last life line.

I thought they were done for … but they made the ultimate comeback. One by one falling in line giving it everything they got.

Two teams. Multiple efforts. One field. One battle. One winner.

And that was me.

This SuperBowl weekend while everyone was cheering on Lady Gaga and the Falcons to take down Brady and The Patriots, I was involved in my own battle.

The Guat vs. The Ants.

It’s supposed to be a seasonal thing where they come for a couple of days during summer, stalk up and then run away and hide in their awesome bachelor pad with their queen. Chillin’ on sugar and sweet nectar water. Seasons meant nothing to them. They were on the year-round system. And nothing seemed to stop them. Not even the power of a ZipLoc Bag. Not. Even.

Windex, bleach, soapy water, and then the kryptonite of all kryptonite for ants and bugs and innocent eyeballs … RAID! Yup RAID! One spray and that’s it paralysis for life. But these bastards were ruthless. These were not your ordinary ants. These were Bionic Ants! Hanging out with Lindsey Wagner and the 6-Million-Dollar Man, and laughing at me as they attacked Cheerios, MiniWheats, Skippy Peanut Butter, Quaker Granola Bars. Things that were still wrapped and boxed, they attacked. They weren’t even going for sugar anymore it was beyond sugar now. They were all up in my Nature’s Own Wheat Bread, and Rold Gold pretzels. So, I resorted to storing things in the fridge, for fear I’d have nothing left. I mean who has to put Wheat Thins in their refrigerator?

Me! Yeah, Me.

So, when I brought home five boxes of Girl Scout Cookies I knew this madness had to end. I asked a few moms if they’d ever encounter such madness and I found answers.

I brought in the secret weapon.

image

🙂

Borax! And The 20-Mule Team.

I had no idea of its existence, or of its MacGyveresque properties.

It. Was. On!

I concocted may magic solution of warm water, sugar, and Borax. I soaked cotton balls in that sweet poison and laid them out wherever they roamed. I found them hoarding an unopened and hermitically sealed bag of jelly beans on the third shelf of the pantry, dropped four cotton balls, and walked away.

A couple of hours later they abandoned the jelly beans and were in a cotton ball mosh pit of ecstasy, which for a minute made me doubt the effectiveness of this so called Borax. But I waited and, let Borax handle my business. I waited.

And waited.

I watched Lady Gaga rock that stage at half time and they were still under attack mode.

24 hours. I thought I’d give it 24 hours.

So, when I woke up in the morning, I opened the cupboard, hoping, praying for the destruction of these Ninja Warrior ants. But I saw nothing.

The party was over.

Only two lifeless ant corpses lay motionless on top of those cotton balls.

Fist pump in the air with a resounding YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Borax was now my superhero.

Although … I didn’t want to hold up the trophy just yet. I’m a little superstitious … I’ll wait a couple of days before removing my stash from the fridge. Because after all chocolate is chocolate.

Stay tuned.

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Better Late Than Never … Ummmm No.

11 Jan

When I saw this … it all made sense.

sweater

🙂

It really did. It hit me, like that a-ha! moment I had when I saw the He’s Just Not That Into You movie and all the stars aligned and I was like yeah. Totally get it now.

But then I started thinking of exigent circumstances. I mean when could you really let it go … that your friend showed up 87 minutes late to a girls night out and you only had two hours because your babysitter holds the key to your life and that’s all you could get.

If you have kids … I get it. Babysitter is late. There’s vomit. There’s not enough Goldfish Crackers to go around. You ran out of wipes. The DVR didn’t record the latest Peppa Pig and you needed to know what happened. I get it. Meltdowns happen and you’re gonna be late. Most parents give themselves a buffer zone because they know this might happen. They just know and there’s a forgiveness clause on that. They’re just happy that they made it out in one piece.

But if that’s not your case, then what the hell is going on?

Just be honest and be like … nah … I kind of don’t want to go. I mean it’ll be a bummer but it’s better than waiting there at the Regal Beagle without Jack or Janet.

But then I thought of intentions. I mean when the idea was brought up to you a couple of days ago you totally wanted to go. You checked your iPhone calendar and knew it was clear and you even did a silent cheer in your head. You were the first one on board.

And then the week hit you hard, work was hard, life was hard, and Friday came  … and you thought … I don’t know.

It just crept into your head.

Doubt.

Is it worth it to leave the house? Is it really? I got Netflix. Cable. HBO. A box of wine. Do I really need to leave?

Then the doubt is fueled.

Traffic. There might be traffic. I think there’s an accident. Exhaustion. I feel pretty exhausted right now, the Friday night exhaustion that hits you in your 40s or late 30s that never seemed to appear in your 20s. Then you feel the love of your Old Navy pajamas and they feel so right. And then you think, do I even have gas in the car? Do I have cash in my wallet? I mean if you have to go to the bank, or put gas in the car, forget it. That might just kill the whole outing all together.

There are just too many hurdles and you begin to bargain with yourself about whether you reeeeeeaaaaally need to go. You say you’ll feel better once you get there, you always do, it’s just the “getting there” part that is sucking right now.

Ultimately guilt sets in and you muster up enough Maybelline and Red Bull to get you out of the house. You stroll on in with some excuse about traffic and grab a drink while your buddies are already into the good part of the conversation. They see you stroll in and you think they bought your traffic excuse, but they know … they know … because they were just on the same freeway and they know you have the speed through traffic app on your phone.

So if you don’t want this sweater as your next gift, think long and hard before committing to your next date, outing, hanging out session, or shenanigan. Or maybe you should just say no from the start, and then when Friday comes around, you change your mind if you want. You can totally show up and surprise them because even if you are late, they’ll be glad to see you.

Buen Camino my friends.

 

My Inner Liam Neeson

4 Jan

Dear Fool Who Stole My Credit Card And Decided to Get An Erotic Massage at The Geisha Spa House in Paris,

You suck.

I mean when I decided to go to the science museum and expand the minds of my kids with the interactive exhibits exploring planetary research stations, Eco Challenges, and the science behind sports I had no idea you were lurking in the shadows of their computer system ready to steal my credit card number.

I’m all for random acts of kindness and picking up the tab every once in a while but I think you’ve misunderstood what generosity means. I totally could have bought you an eclair … a chocolate one at that. But you decided to push the boundaries a little.

I mean someone handling the knots in your deep tissue with elbows and hot stones sounds awesome. I love hot stones but I kind of wanted throw one at your face followed by an elbow. A Muay Thai elbow. That would have been really relaxing for me, actually.

I mean to spend $550 on a massage sounds a little excessive, I mean for fifty bucks you could have gone downtown and had Bertha work the kinks out. But no … you decided to go all out this year. I mean you could have even given a nice tip. But I guess your generosity stopped you there. Didn’t want to steal anymore for a tip, huh? Or perhaps the tip was included. I don’t know. I just know you were really living it up before the New Year got started. I mean it’s 2017 why not go all out, right?

Yeah … you still suck.

And the thing is before I decided to take up meditation and lead a life of Zen and finding happy moments I probably would have gotten all Liam Neeson on you and been like …

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want … other than dirty massages … but what I do know is that I have is a particular set of skills … I will look for you. I will find you and I will kill you.

neeson

Yeah … my inner Liam Neeson would have gotten crazy on you. But the funny thing was I didn’t get crazy. I didn’t freak out about losing all that money. I didn’t curl up in the corner and cry. The credit card people flagged you before you could do any more escargot damage and I imagine the shady places you visit don’t take to kindly to red flags when paying bills. I mean there might be a bruise on your face the size of a hot stone already. A couple stones actually. Who knows?

But having heard this news to start off the New Year could have really sucked for me but it didn’t.  I just shook my head at the thought of you and wished you a painful death as you fell off the Eiffel Tower. I shook my head in disbelief. I shook my head at the inconvenience of your existence.

I shook my head thinking … you suck.

And then I went for a run.

When I came back I thought, this wasn’t a bad experience, this was just good writing material, a story waiting to happen.

Thanks for story. But don’t get too crazy … my inner Liam Neeson isn’t that understanding.

Sincerely,

The Guat.

 

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Rare

26 Aug

Never seen this chocolate before …

IMG_7151

 

Definitely stood out …

 

 

It Was a Tag Team Effort Tuesday & 99 Cent Store 1 … Guat 0

27 Jan

I can’t remember the last time I got my ass kicked…

I’m a Hapkido brown belt … stuff like that shouldn’t ever happened to me unless I encounter a red belt or a black belt. I shouldn’t find myself in a situation where I’m thinking “how the hell did this happen to me?!”

Yup.

There I was sitting on the curb contemplating this ass-beating and thinking … yup Tuesday is upping its game in the suck-o-meter. I mean they must have considering Monday doesn’t suck any more on account of X-Files being back and all … what does Tuesday have?

Nothing but an ass beating for Guat.

But I have to say my beloved, but now not so beloved 99-Cent Store played a huge roll in the knockout round. I think they tagged-teamed me, and all of this started because of chocolate.

I know right?

Kellogg’s decided to come out with a new product … NutriGrain Breakfast Biscuits Chocolate Chip Edition.

Nutri_Grain_Bfast_Bisc_900x550

Freakin’ Kryptonite.

When I saw 40 boxes of these at the 99 Cent Store I bought one box just to try them out and see if the kids would enjoy them. Sometimes nutritious people with good intentions do bad things to chocolate, so I got one box. They ended up being awesome! It was a total success, so I decided to return …

99_cents_only_store

… scene of the crime … where the beatings took place.

Two days later I found myself battling for a parking spot in the overcrowded 99 Cent Store. I couldn’t find any spots, so I decided to park on the street and use the meter. The nickels, dimes and one quarter in my ash tray bought me 24 minutes. Score. I set the timer and walked in with 20 bucks ready to clean out what they had, I found one box left. One.

I searched all the aisles but couldn’t find anything and seeing how my time was going to expire soon I thought I’d pay for my one box plus bath essentials and go home. One checker and a long line. So I waited. As I walked out the door and headed to my car, I checked my timer I was at 25:13. I looked up … there was a $68 dollar parking ticket waiting for me and the meter maid driving off.

Burn.

A couple of hours later after rebounding from that smack in the face, I saw another 99 Cent Store on the way to pick up my kid from school, I thought well maybe they’ll have some NutriGrain Breakfast Biscuits Chocolate Edition. So I stopped by, parking in the lot this time. I found a space way in the back far from any freakin’ parking meter.

After an exhaustive search I found nothing and decided to be grateful for the one box I had found at the other store. Got in my car, backed out of my space, put the car in drive and just as I was about to turn left …

Some chick, Mary Joe apparently because we had to introduce ourselves, decided to back out of her parking space without even looking in the mirror, or over her shoulder, and backed into my passenger side.

Burn.

It wasn’t of T-Bone accident proportions, minor stuff but it still sucked. That whole let’s change insurance cards-it doesn’t look that bad-you should have been more careful-can I see your driver’s license-I don’t think we should get the insurance involved it’ll just raise our rates-conversation sucked.

So after this one-two punch combination that the 99 Cent Store laid on me, I battled the PTA moms for parking at the school and picked up my kids. I drove home feeling sick to my stomach.

Literally.

I had to pull over and throw up on someone’s curb and in the midst of this health crisis my son asks …

What are doing out there?

I just need a minute I’m not feeling good.

Why don’t you get some medicine from the 99 Cent Store, it’s just a couple blocks from the house.

Dude …

Tuesday & 99 Cent Store 1 … Guat 0.

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Adultier …

13 Jan

 

Yes … this has happened to me.

 

“The horrifying moment when you’re looking for an adult but then realize that you are an adult. So you look for an older adult, someone successfully adulting. An adultier adult.”

 

Lucky … I’m getting adultier now.

Not quite there yet, but getting there.

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Guarantees … You Get The Ones You Don’t Want So Stop Hitting The Snooze Button

14 Sep

They said it. I was listening to a lecture and they said it.

They didn’t know me, but it was like they were talking to me.

… to the mom that’s worried about the future of her kids, worried that something might happen, you’re terrified about all these terrible things that might happen to your kids … You know what, it might … This happens to mothers. The worst might just happen. But you have to realize that you have today. You get a shot. You get to raise this kid and you only have the joy of trying it today …

You’re trying to get a guarantee that your kid won’t end up screwed up. But you don’t get guarantees. Our desperate addiction to certainty and guarantee robs you of the joy of this moment, which is you get to try it now… you get a few years to raise this kid, you don’t get any guarantees, but you do get this moment to enjoy that kid, to give your best shot of being their mom and dad and that’s what you get … –Rob Bell

He said it.

And he was right. I do look for guarantees. I work hard, try hard, leave it all out there, and hope for the best, but in truth I am looking for a guarantee that my kids will be all right in the future. Isn’t that why I’m giving it all I’ve got?

But he’s right. I’ve got no assurances. And even though this scared the crap out of me, it was also a reminder. Stop hitting the snooze button. Stop! I needed to continue focusing on the present, on the moments between then and now. In life and in parenting, my proactive nature would be for the best in the long run. Don’t hit the snooze.

You wake up in the morning and realize you’ve got another chance to do it right, and at night you go to sleep and hope to put all the mistakes behind you (that piece of advice I just heard recently from Elizabeth Gilbert).

So no matter how well you walk the line, you don’t get guarantees, not the kind you want anyway, especially when it comes to kids or life. Crappy stuff happens. Sometimes it’s stuff that you’ll be able to find humor in right away, and other times it will be stuff that will take longer to recover from because your heart is broken.

But for parents trying to find the humor, here are the Top Seven Guarantees of Parents with kids 7-under …

  1. Just before you’re about to walk out the door, your kid will take a serious poop in their diaper that probably leaks onto their pants.This will require more than just wipes, in fact it will be a complete hose down and you’ll be late to wherever you’re going and for some reason you’ll still smell poop and realize that it’s on your shirt while you’re driving to wherever you’re going and you’ve got no extra shirt.
  2. No matter how hard you try to keep the peace your kids will argue about who had the red Lego first, about who was the first to open the door, about who didn’t want to play with who, about whose turn it was to watch Nick Jr, about which Superhero has the greatest superpower, and about the motion of the Earth … yup they’ll argue at least once a week, or once a day, and that will raise your blood pressure, give you gray hairs, and drain you of every ounce of energy you’ve got. It’ll make you wish you had a chocolate stash in every room of the house but you can’t because those bastard ants are crawling everywhere.
  3. You’ll have to talk to a pretentious prick of a parent the kind you wouldn’t lend your jumper cables to, all because your kid and their kid hang out at school and they’re trying to arrange a play date.
  4. You’ll always have spilled CapriSun, Goldfish Crackers, Wheat Thins, Craisins, Cheerios,  and remnants of a once crispy In-and-Out french fry in every crack and crevasse of your car and you won’t be made aware of them until your kid throws up in the car, which is also an assurance.
  5. You’ll have to go to Chuck E. Cheese  once during your parenthood existence and you’ll vow never to return again to that craziness, but know full well that it’s a lie.
  6. Bedtime doesn’t go according to schedule, between the bubble baths, teeth cleaning, ironing of clothes, reading of books and multiple attempts of trying to sleep in my bed instead of their own, bedtime happens about thirty minutes after you really wanted.
  7. They’ll hug you or smile at you at least once a day. And their laugh will make you feel good.  (This is the one you aim for everyday).

The teenage years bring about a different set of guarantees … more than seven I imagine … I’ll let you know when I get there.

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Keeping Pepto-Bismol and Alka-Seltzer in Business

23 Jan

Milk and Pepsi.

It was Laverne’s favorite drink.

I had never heard of such a thing.

It was strange, who would have thought to mix the two together. Not me, that’s for sure. But Laverne was quirky. I enjoyed watching her adventures every week on Laverne & Shirley, and cracking up. So I thought maybe I’d try it.

 

Laverne & Shirley

Laverne & Shirley

 

Dude.

Laverne has a special palette.

I hadn’t thought about that combination in such a long time until I heard someone say that they were going to eat a banana sandwich.

A mayonnaise and banana sandwich!

Dude.

I needed an Alka-Seltzer just hearing that. I didn’t even want to attempt that, the sound of it just grossed me out. I was unaware that people were out there creating such catastrophes with mayonnaise. First they mix it into this whole chocolate cake thing and now bananas. I’m at a loss for words.

As I scanned the Internet to see if this banana mayonnaise concoction existed I came across a few others that made me want to reach for the Pepto-Bismol.

1. Ketchup and tuna salad.

2. Mashed potatoes and Oreo Cookies.

3. Bananas and onion soup.

4. Macaroni and Cheese and ketchup.

5. Lamb and anchovies.

6. Fruit cake and cheese.

7. Squid and banana salad.

8. Pickles and frosting.

9. Spaghetti topped with M&Ms.

10. Cottage cheese and ketchup.

**Bonus … Beer and corn flakes.

After hearing all of these stomach churning combos, Milk and Pepsi didn’t sound that bad.

What about you?

Any weird food pairings that make you cringe?

 

 

 

I Gave Jim a High-Five

13 Jan

There she was in her black stretchy pants, oversized sweater, tattered hair that needed a Pantene makeover and still sporting the remains of yesterday’s eyeliner and mascara.

Must’ve been a rough night.

Yup there she was behind me.

Waiting in line ...

Waiting in line …

Now supermarket protocol states that when you’re behind someone in line, you don’t cut in front of them and put your groceries down. This is universal standing in line protocol that applies to all kinds of lines. Banks. Pharmacies. Movie theaters. Theme parks. Fast food joints. Even at Starbucks.

You wait your turn.

Something you learned in kindergarten, but seeing how kids are so advanced nowadays they probably learn it in preschool.

Anyhow seeing how I’ve been feeling under the weather, and heavily influenced by Theraflu, I tend to move a little bit slower than usual.

But not that slow blonde-lady-who-cut-in-line-in-front-of-me-at-Trader-Joes.

It took me moment to realize what had just transpired. But after watching her park her cart in the on-deck circle of grocery lines, I searched my cloudy brain for the right words.

“Hey, hey, hey wait-a-minute-one-second. Dude what are you doing?”

“What?”

“What do you mean what? You can’t just be cutting in line.”

“Well you’re suppose to put your stuff on the small counter.”

“I’m supposed to be standing in line behind this guy respecting his personal space as he’s still unloading groceries. That’s where I’m supposed to be and seeing how you were behind me, you’re supposed to be over there,” I said pointing to the spot where she should have been standing.

A normal person would have remembered their whole New Year’s I’m-gonna-be-a-better-person resolution and apologize for their lapse in judgement and back on up. However she stood there with her cart on the on-deck circle.

I stood in front of her.

Here we were … In a Mexican Standoff on aisle two of Trader Joes.

And this is where Jim came along.

I don’t know if he saw this transpire, or if the universe was conspiring with me, or if he was just up next, but with his most awesome smile and wave, this Hawaiian shirt wearing dude waved me over.

“I’ll take you over here miss, on the next line. You were next.” He said.

I smiled and grabbed my stuff.

Karma had worked its magic because Jim was an awesome way to start a Monday morning. His smile, his demeanor, and his awesome little anecdote about the chocolate I was buying made me forget all about black stretchy pants chick, who was still on the on-deck spot because the dude before us was paying with a check, and he was still writing it out. Jim rang up my stuff and I was on my way.

Black stretchy pants was still waiting.

I turned around and gave Jim a high-five.

 

 

Give Me A Break … Some People Need it.

24 Nov

I blame it on the Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Instant Messaging, iPhone, Jetsons loving population.

I blame it on you.

It appears that because technology has advanced so much, people have come to the conclusion that there is always a way you can be reached. There is no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, no river wide enough to keep them from getting to you.

Technology you have done this to me.

the culprits

The culprits

It used to be that someone could call me on my phone, leave a message and I would get back to them as soon as I could. One phone. One message. One way. And they were all right with it. They didn’t call me back a minute later just to see if I was there again. They accepted the finality of the answering machine. They knew it had done its job and were confident that their message would be delivered.

Now in truth there were times when you were home but you couldn’t get to the phone for some reason or another. You were studying for school, working on research for work, walking up the stairs with five bags of groceries, watching Jack Bauer be Jack Bauer, or practicing your culinary skills. These were valid reasons for your telephone absence.

However there were times when you were having a moment, an emotional breakdown moment, a parental take-a-deep-breath-before-you-talk-to-the-kids-again moment, a I’m-in-the-bathroom moment, a you’re-trying-to-get-out-the-door-on-time-with-two-kids moment, the I’m-in-need-of-chocolate-right-now moment, or the I-need-a-moment-of-silence-right-now-because-I’m-juggling-10-things-at-once-and-if-I-answer-the-phone-right-now-I-will-kill-whoever-is-on-the-other-line-who-has-called-me-five-times-already moment.

All of these are extremely valid reasons.

However I get that some cases are actual need-to-go-to-the-hospital moments and in that case you use any multimedia platform that is necessary to hunt me down. But if you’re just calling to see if you need something from Costco, then don’t call me 20 times. I’m not answering for a reason.

So if you happen to be one of those stalker like people who calls somebody ten times in a row until you get an answer, then I’m here to tell you … Stop.

Stop stalking.

We are busy at the moment and will call you as soon as we can.