Tag Archives: comedy

It Was a Tag Team Effort Tuesday & 99 Cent Store 1 … Guat 0

27 Jan

I can’t remember the last time I got my ass kicked…

I’m a Hapkido brown belt … stuff like that shouldn’t ever happened to me unless I encounter a red belt or a black belt. I shouldn’t find myself in a situation where I’m thinking “how the hell did this happen to me?!”


There I was sitting on the curb contemplating this ass-beating and thinking … yup Tuesday is upping its game in the suck-o-meter. I mean they must have considering Monday doesn’t suck any more on account of X-Files being back and all … what does Tuesday have?

Nothing but an ass beating for Guat.

But I have to say my beloved, but now not so beloved 99-Cent Store played a huge roll in the knockout round. I think they tagged-teamed me, and all of this started because of chocolate.

I know right?

Kellogg’s decided to come out with a new product … NutriGrain Breakfast Biscuits Chocolate Chip Edition.


Freakin’ Kryptonite.

When I saw 40 boxes of these at the 99 Cent Store I bought one box just to try them out and see if the kids would enjoy them. Sometimes nutritious people with good intentions do bad things to chocolate, so I got one box. They ended up being awesome! It was a total success, so I decided to return …


… scene of the crime … where the beatings took place.

Two days later I found myself battling for a parking spot in the overcrowded 99 Cent Store. I couldn’t find any spots, so I decided to park on the street and use the meter. The nickels, dimes and one quarter in my ash tray bought me 24 minutes. Score. I set the timer and walked in with 20 bucks ready to clean out what they had, I found one box left. One.

I searched all the aisles but couldn’t find anything and seeing how my time was going to expire soon I thought I’d pay for my one box plus bath essentials and go home. One checker and a long line. So I waited. As I walked out the door and headed to my car, I checked my timer I was at 25:13. I looked up … there was a $68 dollar parking ticket waiting for me and the meter maid driving off.


A couple of hours later after rebounding from that smack in the face, I saw another 99 Cent Store on the way to pick up my kid from school, I thought well maybe they’ll have some NutriGrain Breakfast Biscuits Chocolate Edition. So I stopped by, parking in the lot this time. I found a space way in the back far from any freakin’ parking meter.

After an exhaustive search I found nothing and decided to be grateful for the one box I had found at the other store. Got in my car, backed out of my space, put the car in drive and just as I was about to turn left …

Some chick, Mary Joe apparently because we had to introduce ourselves, decided to back out of her parking space without even looking in the mirror, or over her shoulder, and backed into my passenger side.


It wasn’t of T-Bone accident proportions, minor stuff but it still sucked. That whole let’s change insurance cards-it doesn’t look that bad-you should have been more careful-can I see your driver’s license-I don’t think we should get the insurance involved it’ll just raise our rates-conversation sucked.

So after this one-two punch combination that the 99 Cent Store laid on me, I battled the PTA moms for parking at the school and picked up my kids. I drove home feeling sick to my stomach.


I had to pull over and throw up on someone’s curb and in the midst of this health crisis my son asks …

What are doing out there?

I just need a minute I’m not feeling good.

Why don’t you get some medicine from the 99 Cent Store, it’s just a couple blocks from the house.

Dude …

Tuesday & 99 Cent Store 1 … Guat 0.





He Was One of The Best Storytellers I knew …

28 Jan



George Costanza



Funny is Pretty Attractive To Me

14 Aug

Stephen Colbert. Steve CarellJon Stewart. Jimmy Fallon.

They’ll probably never make it on the 100 sexiest people alive magazines but they float my boat. And it’s not so much because I’m a nerd and Marty McFly enthusiast. It’s that they’re attractive to me. At first sight they may not be stop-me-in-my tracks-do-a-double-take-kind of hotties. They’re not Ryan Gossling, Tatum Channing, Brad Pitt or George Clooney, but they’re personality and ability to crack me up makes them fantastic looking. Their comedy makes them hot.

I don’t think this happens to guys, though. It should, but throughout my entire adolescence it seemed that they followed a different ideology — the looks good in short shorts, short skirts, Maybelline Cover Girl look. Funny Chapstick girls that played sports wasn’t something they were interested in. But I guess eventually some of them learned.

I’ve had this conversation with myself and others a couple of times. It’s the whole Shallow Hal mentality, where inner beauty should outweigh the outer beauty. A great looking chic or dude can totally become ugly because their whole attitude sucks. Spending more time with them and realizing they have no substance brings them down various notches. However someone that’s not considered “conventionally attractive” and front-cover magazine worthy can be pretty Guatacular because their personality rocks.

Stephen Colbert, for instance.


Did you see this?

I couldn’t stop laughing. I thought to myself … I don’t know why people don’t automatically think funny is sexy. Let me educate you … It is … it just is. Comedy and laughter are attractive. After Colbert’s Soul Train dance moves I thought about him and realized he’s definitely more attractive than people give him credit for … he’s magazine-cover worthy.

And then there’s Jon Stewart. He’s funny in almost everything he does, but this was one of the best speeches I ever heard.

Yeah. Jon definitely deserves to be thought of as amazingly attractive after that. Some people don’t tend to think so as he may not be the Hollywood heart-throb, but he’s definitely my heart-throb. Being smart and using your sense of humor to make people laugh is one of the most attractive features that people tend to overlook. And if you’re one of those people … you’re missing out.

I mean really Steve Carell in The Office and in his Hollywood comedies have made me see him in a different light. A hunky-dory light. And Jimmy Fallon just makes my night with his Late Night Show. I get his sense of humor and for that he becomes better looking every week. There’s nothing like a guy that can make you laugh and who brings you chocolate, of course.

I don’t know … maybe it is the nerd in me, or the fact that I when I was younger I’d hoped people would see the beauty in funny, but for the most part they only saw beauty in beauty. I’m thinking funny plays a bigger role in that, but that’s just my philosophy. Funny is pretty attractive to me.


You Gotta Love George

22 Jul





Whenever I need a laugh I know I can count on George … he sees things from a different perspective.



Jerry’s Definition Rocks …

12 Jul




Elaine Knows Guys

10 Jul

This is for the guy I saw with his lady while I was people watching … suit and tie guy with no jacket this one is for you dude …





Weekly Photo Challenge: Escape

21 May
The Office




For when you’re having a bad day.

For when you want to unwind.

For when your other half annoys you.

For when you get writer’s block.

For when you really need a laugh.

Television … Comedy on television … is the great escape.




Ever Have One of Those Days …

26 Apr
Image via LeFunny.net

Image via LeFunny.net



Saturday Night Live Bringing on the Christmas Spirit

29 Nov

People were getting into the Christmas spirit early this season. Black Friday and Cyber Monday kicked things off in November. They get into their Fa-La-La-La-Las pretty early every year. And while they were having their moments with televised tree-lighting ceremonies and festive concerts with Jingle Bell Rock, I took a different approach.  I laughed my way into the festive mood with some late night comedy courtesy of  Saturday Night Live

Giving it up to Homelessville Charity

Giving it up to Homelessville Charity


Season's Eatings Skit

Season’s Eatings Skit


Mary Catherine Gallagher and Whitney Houston.

Mary Catherine Gallagher and Whitney Houston.


The Christmas Song

The Christmas Song


This has become one of my favorite holiday specials. I often look forward to the SNL Christmas Special and hope they include my favorites. There was nothing better than cracking up to Justin Timberlake’s charity battle with the Salvation Army Kris Kringle, The Season’s Eatings skit with Pete Schweddy, the Catholic School Christmas Concert with Mary Catherine Gallagher and Whitney Houston, and the Christmas Song with Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan.

The Christmas spirit is definitely warming up to me. Comedy and Christmas … a great combination.

The Crazy Hill and The Mighty Stop Sign

14 Oct

It’s a stop sign. A red octagon with white letters. And normally this traffic sign is insignificant. It’s a stop sign. You stop, then go.  But this stop sign … this one, represented a woo-hoo! moment for me. A holy crap I can’t believe it.

It sits there at the top of a long, winding incline, practically at the top of a mountain. Taunting runners and bikers alike.

Had I attempted to reach the top before, during my previous triathlon training regiment? Yes. Did I make it? The first time I barely reached the 25 MPH sign. The second time … well … the second time I reached the deer-crossing sign and told myself I could do it. And I made it, huffing and puffing and gasping for air, but I made it. It took two attempts and many bike training sessions in between to build up enough endurance to reach the mighty stop sign.

I told myself that this time around I would make multiple trips over there, but seeing how it had been raining last week, and then hitting temperatures of 102 and 104 degrees Fahrenheit the week before, I hadn’t gotten around to as much bike riding as I wanted.

Image via Durtbagz.com

But I needed to cowboy up, because in my last triathlon Devil’s Canyon kicked my ass, and I didn’t want a repeat performance. Although I’m not sure what the bike course looks like in this race, I’m certain they’ve got hills and mountains. So this weekend I busted out my two-wheeler, with its new tires, and hit the pavement.

Now I wasn’t planning on visiting that crazy hill with its stop sign today. It had been a rough morning and emotions were running high in the Guat household. In truth, when I left the house I was thinking of riding  about five or six miles and then just heading over to the 7-11 for some chocolate, but found myself riding  to the state park instead, looking at that crazy hill and its mighty stop sign. As I stood there, I noticed all these racing bikes whiz right by me and I thought … oh hell no, even if I don’t have Gatorade I’m going up there.

I found myself pedaling towards that crazy hill and the stop sign.

Now once I got to the 25 MPH sign I thought yeah … I’m feeling pretty good. I haven’t even shifted gears, but once I got to the deer-crossing sign I began contemplating just turning around. My quads had not prepared for a ride of such magnitude and altitude. But I kept going. I kept saying, just one more sign, or just one more tree and I’ll turn back.

However, I just kept going. And in truth it wasn’t the upcoming triathlon that was fueling my inspiration to reach that pinche stop sign. It was the family drama that took place that very morning that pushed my Guat butt up that hill. My frustration and anger fueled me all the way to the top. All I could think was if I made it to the top at least something positive would have happened to me that morning. I would have a happy, triumphant moment among the crappiness.

And you know what? Anger works, man.

I reached the top passing all the racing bikes that had zoomed by me earlier. I got off my bike and smiled. I grabbed hold of that stop sign, while trying to catch my breath. I stood there for a moment. Red-faced, sweaty, huffing and puffing. And victorious. I had made it on my first attempt. And it felt good. Real good. I don’t know how it’s going to feel tomorrow, but today it felt good.

Some random couple drove by as I was feeling the thrill of conquering that crazy hill and reaching the mighty stop sign. They looked at the bike, then at me, and smiled. It felt pretty good to have a random stranger give me an imaginary high-five with a glance.

However as I was taking deep breaths, in order to try and catch my breath, I didn’t get a whiff of fresh mountain air that athletes need after such a victory. My oxygen was tainted. Tainted with the smell of fresh horse manure. And not just a little bit either. I think they were giving a group tour or something because there was a definite aroma in the vicinity.

So I grabbed my bike and made my way down hill. I wish I could have stayed a little bit longer and relish in the moment, you know, take it all in, but unfortunately horse crap isn’t really my thing. And it wasn’t great for my deep-breathing victorious moment either. Maybe next time will be better.