It Was a Tag Team Effort Tuesday & 99 Cent Store 1 … Guat 0

27 Jan

I can’t remember the last time I got my ass kicked…

I’m a Hapkido brown belt … stuff like that shouldn’t ever happened to me unless I encounter a red belt or a black belt. I shouldn’t find myself in a situation where I’m thinking “how the hell did this happen to me?!”

Yup.

There I was sitting on the curb contemplating this ass-beating and thinking … yup Tuesday is upping its game in the suck-o-meter. I mean they must have considering Monday doesn’t suck any more on account of X-Files being back and all … what does Tuesday have?

Nothing but an ass beating for Guat.

But I have to say my beloved, but now not so beloved 99-Cent Store played a huge roll in the knockout round. I think they tagged-teamed me, and all of this started because of chocolate.

I know right?

Kellogg’s decided to come out with a new product … NutriGrain Breakfast Biscuits Chocolate Chip Edition.

Nutri_Grain_Bfast_Bisc_900x550

Freakin’ Kryptonite.

When I saw 40 boxes of these at the 99 Cent Store I bought one box just to try them out and see if the kids would enjoy them. Sometimes nutritious people with good intentions do bad things to chocolate, so I got one box. They ended up being awesome! It was a total success, so I decided to return …

99_cents_only_store

… scene of the crime … where the beatings took place.

Two days later I found myself battling for a parking spot in the overcrowded 99 Cent Store. I couldn’t find any spots, so I decided to park on the street and use the meter. The nickels, dimes and one quarter in my ash tray bought me 24 minutes. Score. I set the timer and walked in with 20 bucks ready to clean out what they had, I found one box left. One.

I searched all the aisles but couldn’t find anything and seeing how my time was going to expire soon I thought I’d pay for my one box plus bath essentials and go home. One checker and a long line. So I waited. As I walked out the door and headed to my car, I checked my timer I was at 25:13. I looked up … there was a $68 dollar parking ticket waiting for me and the meter maid driving off.

Burn.

A couple of hours later after rebounding from that smack in the face, I saw another 99 Cent Store on the way to pick up my kid from school, I thought well maybe they’ll have some NutriGrain Breakfast Biscuits Chocolate Edition. So I stopped by, parking in the lot this time. I found a space way in the back far from any freakin’ parking meter.

After an exhaustive search I found nothing and decided to be grateful for the one box I had found at the other store. Got in my car, backed out of my space, put the car in drive and just as I was about to turn left …

Some chick, Mary Joe apparently because we had to introduce ourselves, decided to back out of her parking space without even looking in the mirror, or over her shoulder, and backed into my passenger side.

Burn.

It wasn’t of T-Bone accident proportions, minor stuff but it still sucked. That whole let’s change insurance cards-it doesn’t look that bad-you should have been more careful-can I see your driver’s license-I don’t think we should get the insurance involved it’ll just raise our rates-conversation sucked.

So after this one-two punch combination that the 99 Cent Store laid on me, I battled the PTA moms for parking at the school and picked up my kids. I drove home feeling sick to my stomach.

Literally.

I had to pull over and throw up on someone’s curb and in the midst of this health crisis my son asks …

What are doing out there?

I just need a minute I’m not feeling good.

Why don’t you get some medicine from the 99 Cent Store, it’s just a couple blocks from the house.

Dude …

Tuesday & 99 Cent Store 1 … Guat 0.

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9 Responses to “It Was a Tag Team Effort Tuesday & 99 Cent Store 1 … Guat 0”

  1. Dentler Erdmann January 27, 2016 at 7:11 PM #

    Hey! Stay away from those 99 cent stores. However, when I lived out there, I liked them.

    • The Guat January 28, 2016 at 6:50 PM #

      Erdmann!!! So glad to see you here! Now you can check out my epic failure adventures on a weekly basis 🙂 68 dollars, plus a parking incident will definitely keep me away from here…I don’t think I’ll walk there either … I might get run over in the parking lot.

  2. The Good Greatsby January 27, 2016 at 7:25 PM #

    That’s how they get you. You think you’re saving money on the breakfast bars but the store is somehow making money off the parking ticket. Are you suggesting a financial conspiracy between Kellogg’s, the 99 Cent store, the parking meter maid, and the auto repair industry?

    • The Guat January 28, 2016 at 6:44 PM #

      Duuuuuuuude yes it’s a total conspiracy! Serenity now! Serenity now! 68 dollars? C’Mon now. They get you with the “99 cent” price and then your car pays for it later. I don’t think I’m visiting that 99 Cent store any time soon without Mulder by my side.

  3. bgddyjim January 28, 2016 at 1:46 AM #

    $68 for a parking ticket?! That’s BS dude.

    • The Guat January 28, 2016 at 6:41 PM #

      I know right!! Duuuuuude I couldn’t believe it. I was so burned out. 68! Man. The whole day just sucked so glad that day was done but the 68 is still haunting me.

      • bgddyjim January 29, 2016 at 12:28 AM #

        The government calls that extortion when citizens do it.

  4. Cayman Thorn January 28, 2016 at 3:54 PM #

    The nutri-grain biscuits do look pretty damn good, but I don’t know Guat . . . after reading this post, I’m feeling a science fiction ending is attached to these tasty little SOB’s.

    It’s an X-Files episode!

    • The Guat January 28, 2016 at 6:46 PM #

      Serenity noooowwwwwww! Bastards I tell you. I thought it might have been the chocolate at fault, but no … This had 99 Cents written all over it. Total X-Files Twilight Zone episode with Mulder uncovering this parking conspiracy. Duuuuuude what a day. Thanks for reading buddy.

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