My Inner Liam Neeson

4 Jan

Dear Fool Who Stole My Credit Card And Decided to Get An Erotic Massage at The Geisha Spa House in Paris,

You suck.

I mean when I decided to go to the science museum and expand the minds of my kids with the interactive exhibits exploring planetary research stations, Eco Challenges, and the science behind sports I had no idea you were lurking in the shadows of their computer system ready to steal my credit card number.

I’m all for random acts of kindness and picking up the tab every once in a while but I think you’ve misunderstood what generosity means. I totally could have bought you an eclair … a chocolate one at that. But you decided to push the boundaries a little.

I mean someone handling the knots in your deep tissue with elbows and hot stones sounds awesome. I love hot stones but I kind of wanted throw one at your face followed by an elbow. A Muay Thai elbow. That would have been really relaxing for me, actually.

I mean to spend $550 on a massage sounds a little excessive, I mean for fifty bucks you could have gone downtown and had Bertha work the kinks out. But no … you decided to go all out this year. I mean you could have even given a nice tip. But I guess your generosity stopped you there. Didn’t want to steal anymore for a tip, huh? Or perhaps the tip was included. I don’t know. I just know you were really living it up before the New Year got started. I mean it’s 2017 why not go all out, right?

Yeah … you still suck.

And the thing is before I decided to take up meditation and lead a life of Zen and finding happy moments I probably would have gotten all Liam Neeson on you and been like …

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want … other than dirty massages … but what I do know is that I have is a particular set of skills … I will look for you. I will find you and I will kill you.


Yeah … my inner Liam Neeson would have gotten crazy on you. But the funny thing was I didn’t get crazy. I didn’t freak out about losing all that money. I didn’t curl up in the corner and cry. The credit card people flagged you before you could do any more escargot damage and I imagine the shady places you visit don’t take to kindly to red flags when paying bills. I mean there might be a bruise on your face the size of a hot stone already. A couple stones actually. Who knows?

But having heard this news to start off the New Year could have really sucked for me but it didn’t.  I just shook my head at the thought of you and wished you a painful death as you fell off the Eiffel Tower. I shook my head in disbelief. I shook my head at the inconvenience of your existence.

I shook my head thinking … you suck.

And then I went for a run.

When I came back I thought, this wasn’t a bad experience, this was just good writing material, a story waiting to happen.

Thanks for story. But don’t get too crazy … my inner Liam Neeson isn’t that understanding.


The Guat.




4 Responses to “My Inner Liam Neeson”

  1. ksbeth January 5, 2017 at 2:09 AM #

    You will find him and it is a great story

    • The Guat January 11, 2017 at 11:21 PM #

      Crazy right? But glad you liked the story.

  2. Cayman Thorn January 5, 2017 at 5:03 AM #

    You turned this around, and HOW!

    First of all, I must be living a sheltered life or something, because I don’t believe I’ve spent 550 bucks on massages, cumulatively, in my life. I’m the dude who goes to Bertha, for sure. This asshole definitely didn’t just mess with you and your inner Liam, which would be plenty ’nuff. Nope, he messed with karma. And I really believe those peeps gots a special kind of payback coming to them. To borrow from Chris Rock, I don’t wish anyone bad mojo, but I understand.

    You’re a writer for good and forever. When you can take this really sucky experience and find the funny? Hermana, you’ve got a primo parking space in the universe.

    Peace and love Cali.

    • The Guat January 11, 2017 at 11:27 PM #

      Duuuuuuuude thanks for the love Cayman. Crazy, right?! This was a tough one for sure total burn, but surprisingly it didn’t suck the air out of my balloon that day. I think Gandhi was vibing me that day, him or Phil Jackson. I mean what was up with that massage right? They be putting Bertha out of a job running in the New a Year like that. Thanks so much for the peace and love and for the parking spot. Means a lot brother. Sending you some good vibes.

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