The Seinfeld Chronicles: My Big Salad Moment

28 Apr

It’s worse than taking the last potato chip.

It’s worse than drinking all the Simply Orange and then leaving the carton in the fridge.

It’s worse than eating the last piece of chocolate cake.

Yeah … it’s pretty bad. It’s a did-that-just-happen-to-me-yeah-it-did-I can’t-believe-that-just-happened-to-me moment. And only one person could understand what I was going through, could understand the principle of the thing.

The principle.

Costanza. George Costanza. He knows exactly what I’m talking about.

“Yeah sure … you’re welcome.”

I sat there on the couch and I heard it, but I couldn’t believe it. I mean it’s family. My family. And within this Guat familial structure you know you’re not supposed to cross culinary lines. You’re just not.

The kitchen is sacred ground. You don’t go taking credit for something that isn’t yours. If it’s Tia Lola’s guacamole, it’s Tia Lola’s guacamole.  You don’t go passing it off as your own. Just because you put the guacamole in an avocado looking bowl doesn’t mean you should get the thank you that rightfully belongs to the chef. If it’s my broiled chicken in special red sauce, then it’s mine. You can’t go off pretending like you made it. You can’t.  I mean you may kid around a bit, but in the end you usually cave into the truth.

This did not happen.

I saw the thank you happen as she handed the plate over and then the you’re welcome followed. And I sat there in my George Costanza state of mind as compliments were being exchanged. I sat there waiting for it. Waiting for the … oh no I didn’t make it, she did.

I was waiting for it.

And it never came.


Has this happened to you?

Has this happened to you?


Normally I guess I would have let it go, but the compliments kept coming in and she just took them. Just grabbed them. She stole them, really. It was like class 5 felony.

And in truth she could have stopped it at any time. There were plenty of pause breaks. But she continued to nod her head and smile, as if taking the chicken out of the package was somehow a contribution to the final dish worthy of a Food Network Challenge. No dude. No it wasn’t and she knew it too. She knew. But what made the moment worse was the fact that someone in my family that rarely gives thank yous or compliments was gushing over the chicken, asking for seconds and thirds and even a take-home plate. And there she was taking the apron off and pretending she had something to do with that bird.


I had no words. I sat there betrayed by my family in the kitchen.

I was just feeling the George Costanza in me bubble out.

But I waited. I waited for her to leave and then said …  Duuuuuuude … that was my chicken! What the hell?

And all I got was a raised eyebrow questioning the validity of my statement.


Serenity now.




10 Responses to “The Seinfeld Chronicles: My Big Salad Moment”

  1. TBM April 29, 2014 at 3:13 AM #

    Oh boy, I would never do that. And besides, everyone would know that I didn’t cook anything. And if I did, everyone would avoid it like the plague. Dude, I’m so sorry. Party foul!

    • The Guat May 1, 2014 at 10:31 AM #

      It was a party foul. That’s exactly what it was. Normally I let things slide but when this chic in my family was relishing in her awesome compliments from someone who barely says wow, I was like hold on, hold on, hold on. It was too funny to watch.

  2. brickhousechick April 29, 2014 at 7:34 AM #

    Ay, Dios Mio! That pollo was yours!!! YOUR POLLO!!!!!!!! Tsk..tsk…shame on her!

    • The Guat May 1, 2014 at 10:35 AM #

      Dude how does that stuff happen in this Guat family. You don’t see me going over there and claiming I made her Torta Espanola. Dude. Dude. It was too funny, I was like in an episode of Que Pasa U.S.A.? I was laughing about the boldness of it all. Too funny.

  3. lameadventures April 29, 2014 at 7:42 PM #

    Guat, my father, who loathed his sister, was fond of saying, “You can choose your friends, but you’re stuck with your family.” If you ever make a chicken for me, I promise that I’ll gush like a fountain with praise.

    • The Guat May 1, 2014 at 10:38 AM #

      Ha! I know you would, we’d have an awesome lame adventure about it too. 🙂 Nah it wasn’t so much that I was looking for compliments as they’re really scarce around here unless something is awesome. So I wasn’t expecting any, but when she was getting them and then taking credit for it … Dude I was in a double episode of Seinfeld and she was The Sidler. 🙂

  4. anotherday2paradise April 30, 2014 at 11:52 PM #

    Only family would do that to you. I can imagine how you must have felt though. Maybe next time, you should organise a big sign to stand next to the dish. “TG created this culinary masterpiece!! All compliments gratefully received.” 🙂

    • The Guat May 1, 2014 at 10:39 AM #

      I know right? They’re just bold like that. And in truth I wasn’t looking for compliments on the dish, but if they were handing them out she was doing all the collecting. It was too funny. I was tripping out and feeling like George. 🙂

  5. Jackie Cangro May 1, 2014 at 6:58 PM #

    That sounds like something Newman would do!
    Did you go all George Costanza on her? I hope so!

    • The Guat May 10, 2014 at 2:25 PM #

      Oh my God! Yes. Newman! I had a Newman at the family party. Dude … it’s funny now, but not so much then 🙂

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