Personal Space Hijackers

13 May

What is it with you?

What!

You are not family. You are not friends. You are not even hi-and-bye acquaintances. You’re strangers. Complete I-don’t-know-you people who should respect the personal space radius surrounding me. At least a three to five yard circumference, depending on where we are. But you don’t get it. You just don’t. You walk on up with no regard for that piece of earth, that region, that atmosphere that surrounds me and that I lay claim to as soon as I walked into it. Psychologically speaking, it’s mine. I called it. But there you are, completely disregarding the rules of the universe, thus branding you a jackass.

I’m tired of you, constantly showing up. Unannounced.

If this goes any further, we might have lead roles on the latest episode of Oxygen’s Snapped!, and I assure you, you probably wouldn’t like the part. But you have no one to blame but yourself. And don’t claim ignorance. I know you know. You do. You know. You just don’t care and it’s this blatant disregard that really burns me out. If you keep at it, there’s no amount of chocolate that will help settle the wrath boiling within. So you better recognize and get steppin’. Recognize!

I wake up early, you know. I don’t like waking up early. I’m not a morning person, but I make it happen, because the reward is big. The beach. It’s nature. It has the perfect spot just waiting for me. It’s not too close to the waves, but not too far from the shoreline. Just close enough to hear the waves crashing and smell the salt of sea. It’s a place where the sand is soft and not too grainy. No seaweed in sight, no seagulls, and far enough from the volleyball courts so that I don’t get smashed with one in the face. The perfect spot for your towel. Me time with a view. These things are necessary for my own sanity. So I get there early, so I can get my spot. I scout the space. The beach is huge. Miles of space. But I figure out which piece of sand is best for me, and I set up my personal space radius. Towel. Chanclas. Beach chair. Bag.

 

This is me. This is my spot. Ready for "me time," until they show up ... personal space killers.

This is me. This is my spot. Ready for “me time,” until they show up … personal space killers.

 

There it is. You see me. I know you do. You see the stretch of sand on the right, the stretch of sand on the left. Those patches are attached to me. Anything within arms or foot reach is within my personal space circle. You know that. I know you do, because I bet you don’t sidle up to anybody at the ATM machine. You give them their space. So why? Why do you insist on hijacking my personal space? There is plenty of  sand and space beyond mine. Plenty. And some without seaweed. But what do you?

 

The Personal Space Hijackers. Right there.

The Personal Space Hijackers. It looks like I know them, right? My towel is next to the buckets. You would think I was part of the family, right? NO. No. I’m not.  These are the people who suck.

Are you kidding me!

Really?

I know you heard me and my suggestions for you to move further away. I know you saw my dirty looks and eye rolls when you didn’t. I know you heard my hostility. But no, that didn’t matter. Nice or angry, neither approach worked for you. You didn’t care. You just had your agenda to hijack my space and ruin my day. You suck. I bet if I were wearing a thong and showing half my ass, your wives and their crazy bitchy nature would have walked further down to the empty piece of land a few yards away. Thongs.

I’m not the thong-wearer. I’m a board shorts apparel owner. So in order to regain my personal space, I had to leave my perfect spot in search of another. I ended up surrounded by seagulls, seaweed scraps, and no direct view of the beach. Just cellulite and bikinis that really should have been one piece swimsuits.

Karma … you better handle this. Personal Space Hijackers suck. They really do. I hope there is a flat tire with no spare, no air-conditioning, and no cell service in their future. I really do.

 

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16 Responses to “Personal Space Hijackers”

  1. 76sanfermo May 14, 2013 at 2:33 AM #

    You’re so angry , Guat , that I don’t even try to calm you down……..
    When we meet that massive indifference and insensitiveness in people around us , then we lose our temper……obviously!
    Ciao , Guat ,you’re to keep waking up early , I’m afraid !

    • The Guat May 18, 2013 at 1:07 AM #

      Nah, I was irritated. Angry is a whole another level 🙂

  2. 1pointperspective May 14, 2013 at 4:04 AM #

    There is an upside, of course; after having your alone time with Mother Nature, you can occupy your mind with other things, like wondering how someone with that physique ever thought a tattoo of a dragon on her shoulder would be a good idea…or if that’s a dragon or a fat horse with a badly drawn head. Also, can all those kids be theirs? Two or three of them don’t look like they could be blood relatives of the other ones. The Dad has one helluva sunburn.

    • The Guat May 18, 2013 at 1:09 AM #

      Dude I was definitely wondering about those dragon tats. And I have no idea if they were all their kids but I know they all came together in a pack … like a pack of brats 🙂

  3. TBM May 14, 2013 at 4:19 AM #

    Basically people’s beach etiquette has not changed in 30 years. Such a shame. Next time, build a moat and put a blow up crocodile in it and see if they get the hint.

    • The Guat May 18, 2013 at 1:10 AM #

      Dude I should totally build some sort of sand barrier structure around me, but you know their kids would find it interesting and come bother me and then the parents would follow.

  4. John W. Howell May 14, 2013 at 6:04 AM #

    You should see our beach after these people have left. I cannot imagine what goes through peoples minds that allows them to litter with no conscience. I feel your pain

    • The Guat May 18, 2013 at 1:12 AM #

      Oh my God, I know. They think that there’s a maid out here. Not only do they hijack personal space but they clutter it with garbage that they can’t seem to throw away in the garbage can five feet away. Dude. Thanks for the support 🙂

  5. brickhousechick May 14, 2013 at 7:37 AM #

    You are right on regarding beach Space High-Jackers. You end up having to listen to their conversations, watch them ladder their lotion on and listen to them crunch on their Cheetos! The nerve!

  6. Cayman Thorn May 14, 2013 at 5:13 PM #

    When you start putting together a rumble list for these personal space invaders…count me in.

    • The Guat May 18, 2013 at 1:13 AM #

      I knew you’d be on my team. I could just feel the Cayman support. 🙂

  7. lameadventures May 15, 2013 at 10:23 PM #

    The problem Guat is that you arrived first on that big empty beach. Those that came after you see where you’ve set up your towel and chair and the automatically think, “Oh! That must be a great space. Let’s set up over by her!” It’s like sitting in an empty movie theater. I will take my seat, settle in and inevitably, some asshole will sit in my row with just one seat between us. I don’t sneer. Where a person settles creates psychological influence. That’s human nature. You did the thinking for your fellow beach goers.

    If personal space is important to you, I suggest that you never ride the subway at rush hour. On Wednesday alone, the train was so crowded, I had a guy leaning on my back, a woman bouncing her enormous satchel off my right calf, and I could smell the coffee breath on another woman standing face forward. On the ride home, a large woman sat both next to me and partially on me.

    • The Guat May 18, 2013 at 1:17 AM #

      Ha! That does sound like an invasion of personal space hijackers. Nah I get it. I get that the subway, bus, and doctor’s waiting rooms have no personal space shield and anybody can just be all up in your business. But I was hoping that in the Great Outdoors, in nature, or at the beach that I would have some reasonable amount of personal space afforded to me. But no … nobody read the manual.

  8. Apple Pie & Napalm July 28, 2015 at 10:50 AM #

    Those are some of the worst jerks! I hope they enter a side world without chocolate. That’ll show em.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Dig Your Own Awesome Hole | The Wish Factor - September 3, 2013

    […] Dear Space Invaders, […]

  2. In Between Now And Then | The Wish Factor - September 8, 2015

    […] had plenty of personal space. Plenty. And you know how I feel about my personal space and those hijackers who always try to crowd me. This time, at this beach … it didn’t […]

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