I feel like I’m on an episode of Seinfeld.
This happens from time to time, like when I realize I have a re-giftster in my friendship circle, or my friend’s husband is a close-talker, or how you never parallel park nose-first, you always reverse it, and back in. I pick up on a lot of these cues and wonder if people don’t know this, how come someone has not told them this common information, or have they never watched an episode of Seinfeld.
The most recent incident I suppose happens to a lot of people. Still.
You know when people invite you to hang out, or go to a party, you quickly realize whether it’s a genuine invitation, a filler invitation, or an UNvitation as Elaine and Jerry would call it.
The genuine invitation is obvious, they really want you to be there. You enjoy each other’s company, and there’s no fake conversations about traffic or the weather. There’s substance. You’re friends. A filler is the kind of invite you get from someone that just wants people there, you know them, they like you. You could even be family, but they just want a crowd and busy vibe. You probably could’ve stayed at home. Then there’s the UNvitation. This is when people invite you at the very last minute, hoping or expecting that you will say no, or, inviting you to an event they know you won’t attend. They invite you just to say they made an effort. If you don’t show up, they say, well at least I invited them. It’s one of those obligatory situations that usually happen with family, co-workers, or kids’ birthday parties.
Most of the time the invite goes through word of mouth, text, or email. I usually go by the rule that if the people organizing the shindig didn’t invite you, then it’s probably best not to crash the situation. This applies to family, friends, or work functions. I mean even with UNvitations you don’t go, or if you do, it’s with a you-didn’t-really-want-me-there-well-NOW-I’m-going kind of situation.
Now that I’m older I don’t go anywhere I don’t want. The pandemic helped clarify situations like that too. Time became extremely valuable because being locked down with toxic people couldn’t be fun for anyone. So, picking and choosing whose invitations I accept is pretty simple. I mean maybe in my 20s I’d go out to parties or clubs, just to go, get out of the house. But now … eh … I’m good. I don’t need a filler, nor do I need to accept an UNvitation. I go if you mean something to me and if I value our friendship and time together. I’ve always told my kids that time is the most valuable, can’t be replaced once you lose it.
So, when a friend asked me if I was going to get drinks with some of the soccer moms, it’s on the group chat, I mentioned that I wasn’t on the group chat and left it at that. She followed up by taking a screenshot of the conversation and forwarding it to me. Now based on my Columbo observations, about half of the team parents were on that, including the coaches.
Now, I’m new to this whole soccer scene, but since my other kid plays hockey the rules, strategy, and ability to read the field became easily adaptable. I played basketball for a long time, so I still say half court, when it’s called midfield, but I could care less. My kid scored an Andres Cantor golazo from mid-court to send her team to the championship match at their last tournament we’re in good standings with the parents and coaches. I’m an easy-going parent who gets a little Coach Taylor-Ted Lasso intense during the games, but there are always positive vibes, and most people like me. So even though I wasn’t on the let’s-get-a-drink-text-thread, I was good.
But my friend asked again, ‘if you go, I’ll go…’
I’m inclined to believe she knows about the invitation rules but wanted a buddy there. Now under different circumstances, like if it was with my college buddies, or really good friends, I wouldn’t mind the tag-along to something as casual as drinks. They would probably be happy with me popping in and making them laugh. We pick up where we last left off. Those are the kind of people you can crash.
But this was not that.
Even though we had spent a couple Saturdays a month, for a few months, on the sidelines cheering our kids on, we were not at the pop-in phase.
So, I told her I probably wouldn’t go. She seemed a little disappointed, but nothing dramatic. I wasn’t sure that I needed to explain why. Normally I tell me people, oh … I can’t make it. Don’t really go into a lot of detail. I realized a while back that a kind thank you for inviting me and so sorry couldn’t make it, is a fine enough response. If they happen ask why, then I go into detail. But maybe these invitation rules are not common knowledge. Are they? Maybe it’s just something that the Seinfeld crew and I have in common.
Needless to say, I’m probably not going to the drink session and will probably enjoy sitting on the couch watching the ball game.
Buen Camino ..
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The Wish Factor 