Weekly Photo Challenge: Serenity

 

Serenity Now!

 

Always thinking of the Costanzas when I think of serenity.

 

 

Weekly Photo Challenge courtesy of Daily Post.

 

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Lowering Standards For Love … And Laughter

During this NightQuil-DayQuil-Theraflu-Homeopathic battle warring over by body, I’ve had random five minute breaks from the clutches of parenthood. And during these hazy, and yet lucid moments, I’ve come to the realization that there’s been an ongoing breach of my standards.

Standards that were ironclad pre-family, but now for some reason after two kids, these standards have loosened a bit and fallen into the “suggestions” category of life.

Whether I’m suffering flu-like symptoms or not certain things have come to pass in the Guat household, things that I would have never allowed in any other relationships. And being the die-hard Seinfeld fan that I am, I get all my life and relationship advice from Jerry and his gang. And during this cloudy period I realized that I’ve let these standards crumble simply because I love my kids.

I just do.

There’s no other rational response as to why I’ve accepted these socially blacklisted behaviors.

None.

Just love.

And humor.

So if you find that you’ve tolerated more than one of the following behaviors, I’m afraid to tell you that there’s no coming back.

It’s part of parenthood.

The Close Talker. This is someone that has forgotten the definition of personal space and breaks all kinds of boundaries during a regular conversation. My son constantly has conversations with me about Legos, trains, books, Star Wars, or sandwiches … centimeters away from my face.

Close Talker

 

The Anti-Dentite. Normally I discourage the hatred or fear of any profession, but it appears both of my kids fall under the Anti-Dentite category. They don’t like dentists. They don’t want to see dentists. They don’t want to hear what dentists have to say. And a lollipop is not a big enough bribe.

Re-Gifter. My son is constantly re-gifting toys and books to give to his sister. Once he’s done playing with something he feels the need to turn around and give her the stuff as a gift. A poorly wrapped one, but nevertheless a gift. I’m amused by this one.

 

Tim Watlet re-gifts Elaine’s present

 

The Pop-In. This is the person that visits someone unannounced and without warning. I find that my kids are always popping-in on me in the bathroom. This is not cool, but no matter how many times I tell them the rules, some sort of Nickelodeon Junior emergency transpires at this time.

The Double-Dipper. This is the person that re-dips their chip into the communal bowl multiple times … the whole re-dipping then feels like they’ve put their entire mouth in the dip. My kids tend to do this, their kids. They enjoy dip. But even when I serve them a plate with their own dip, they find the larger bowl more appealing than the dollop on their plate.

 

George double-dips and gets caught

The Jimmy Legs. I like having my own bed. Space where I can sink into a deep sleep. However kids find their way to the Serta mattress and their legs begin to kick and smack me, like they’re having some sort of spasm, but in reality they’re probably dreaming of playing soccer or being ninjas.

Some of these infractions combined with a bad day usually elicit a Serenity Now moment and massive amounts of chocolate, but for the most part it’s laughter. That’s what love does.

 

 

Hope You Find Another Way … A Festivus Miracle Way

 

Happy Festivus!

 

 

Sticking to Jerry’s Code

It’s the code.

Guys and chicks. They both have it. Everyone everywhere has it. Whether you’re some college chick at a coffeehouse or a forty-three year old dude at a party. You have it.

What’s the code?

Jerry … Jerry Seinfeld does a great job of explaining it in the episode “The Stranded,” where Jerry, George, and Elaine go out to a party, away from the city all the way in Long Island. George begins talking to this lady from work. And this is what happens.

Jerry and George and The Code

 

Jerry:  You ready?
George:  Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.
Jerry:  I do favors.
George:  I think something’s happening here.
Jerry:  What?
George:  I think she wants me to take her home.
Jerry:  Wow.
George:  What should I do?
Jerry:  Go!  What could you do?
George:  What about you and Elaine?
Jerry:  We’ll get a ride.
George:  Are you sure?  …

Elaine finds out about The Code

Jerry:  Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office.
Elaine:  Really?  Huh.  What a world.  So we can go now?
Jerry:  Uh, no, he’s taking the car.
Elaine:  Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?
Jerry:  I don’t know.
Elaine:  You don’t know!
Jerry:  Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.
Elaine:  Oh great, oh, this is great.  How could you let him take the car?
Jerry:  There’s nothing I could do, it’s part of the code.

The code. It often involves first base, second base, third base or just an all-around home run in the relations department, and of course shafting your friends and letting them fend for themselves if you’re the one with the car. This is probably why you should always have a bus pass, an extra 2o in your pocket, and an emergency back-up ride. You know, when hormones get in the way.

This is the code. However sometimes girls think a little differently. They’re more of the protective-we’re-going-to-stick-together-I-don’t-want-you-to-make-a-drunken-mistake type of code. This is something I followed pretty much most of my life. When your friend is a little inebriated and someone is making the moves on her, you have to gauge the situation. If you look at your friend and think she can get a DUI, you may step in and assess the situation. Perhaps her hanging-out with-guys judgement is severely impaired. I mean if she can’t drive how can she assess Mr. Miller Light over there, right? So you think you’re doing her a favor. If you don’t,  she may wake up the next day and say … what the hell? How come you didn’t pull me out of there?

However sometimes it backfires, which it did with me in college. I never meant to impede anybody from getting their groove on, but apparently things were fine and I just misread the signals.

Ever since this little episode, I have stuck with the Jerry version of The Code. I got an extra 20 in my wallet and an emergency back up ride. Bus passes? Dude. Public transportation at night sucks. Daylight hours seem to work well. So I stick to Jerry’s code, unless my friend is giving me the obvious “help-me-this-guy-is-creepy” signal, I stay away.

Jerry’s code proved to help me out when I recently went out with a couple of high school buddies that I hadn’t seen in a while.

As we were eating, one of my old buddies decided to go to the bar for refills. She was still pretty good-looking, so she had admirers. As she was developing a full-on conversation about who knows what, my other friend commented that she might go over to the bar, just in case our friend needed help.

I asked her if our bar friend had given her the “help-me’ signal. And she said no. I tried to convince her to stay, but she insisted. So off she went to help our friend, but apparently that didn’t work out.

The dude ended up being really interested in my savior friend. He became the restaurant stalker. The dude that stares at you and doesn’t really let you enjoy your meal. The kind that sends over drinks, but you’re not really sure you want to drink them, because you didn’t see the The Mixologist behind the bar make the drinks. The kind that “accidentally” bumps into you as you’re leaving the bathroom. The kind that gives you his card with his cell phone, work phone, and home phone numbers, even though you told him you were married. But he gives it to you just in case. The kind that doesn’t finish his meal, but pays his check just so he can walk out at the same time you guys do.

Yeah … the restaurant stalker. I think he changed her mind about the code. I think she’s a Jerry Code believer now.

 

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Urban

The Urban Sombrero

 

 

Elaine thought you needed it for the hustle and bustle of the big city.

Elaine thought the business man needed something like this in order to thrive in the urban environment.

Elaine thought it would set you apart.

Elaine believed it “combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache…”

Elaine featured it on the cover of the J. Peterman Catalog.

Elaine got a little too much tequila during her research trip to Mexico.

Elaine and The Urban Sombrero.