I’m Gonna Need Some Chocolate For This …

22 Oct

Did I tell you I’m being sued?

Close to $10,000.


I’ve never personally been witness to such blatant in-your-face lies and deception. I mean I’ve seen them on soap operas, with that tan-tan-taaaaaaaan music and flaring nostrils. But when it happened to me there was no such music.

Frustration and profanity were present, but no music.

There was a car accident, well I don’t even know if I can call it that, more of a fender bender where nothing happened to my car, not even a scratch on the bumper, but her bumper was dented. There was no broken glass, no air bags being deployed, no fake screeching halts, and no big loud booms. Probably a clink seeing how we both started from stop signs and couldn’t have been going faster than five miles per hour.

Anyhow I was not aware that people can sue you up to two years after a fender bender if they don’t like what the insurance company is offering. And apparently fixing the car was not sufficient and settling for around $5,000 was not enough.

I. Can’t. Even.

Two years afterwards she is claiming pain … and suffering. She filed a day before the deadline.

And so I found myself being served with papers to appear in court.

I know I can’t use the LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE defense, but it is so exasperating dealing with such a shady and deceitful chick who will scam the system. I had no idea they existed outside of telenovelas.

And you know, I’m trying to find the funny in this situation but all I seem to find is profanity.

Then I remembered Mike.

Mike Birbiglia sums it up awesomely in his stand-up comedy The Accident Report, where the blatant errors and incompetence of the police officer and the at-fault drunk driver would leave you at a loss for words. But Mike … He just knocks down the absurdity of the entire situation with ultimate comedy.



I wish I had that gift, but turns out all I’m trying to do is breathe over here. Mike would know what to say. He’s awesome and I wish he could spin my incident into this hilarious bit, but I don’t even have a police report to debunk, because that’s how minor this fender thing was, the damage was so minimal that police presence was not needed, or required. Not by a long shot.

But I’m sure Mike could debunk this just based on the facts.

Mike would definitely know what to say. He’d find the funny. I’m still trying.

But until then I’m gonna need some chocolate … Inside a pint of Ben&Jerry’s.




13 Responses to “I’m Gonna Need Some Chocolate For This …”

  1. bgddyjim October 23, 2016 at 3:12 AM #

    There are a couple of ways to handle this…. If your employer has a corporate attorney, ask if you can use the attorney for this. If it’s not free of charge, they’ll steeply discount your cost (I’ve done this in the past). Second, get your own attorney. The person who hit you is expecting you won’t put up a fight because it’s not worth it – and because she is such a whore, you’re going to be at a loss every time she opens her stupid mouth. Third is defend yourself, but see number two. Exactly.

    • The Guat October 24, 2016 at 10:18 AM #

      Duuuuuuude. Crazy, right? Thanks so much for the advice. I’m going to speak with an attorney this week in preparation for the ridiculous amount of lies that await me, plus the insurance company is being extremely helpful as they provided the referral and all documents. Thanks for the support.

      • bgddyjim October 24, 2016 at 10:21 AM #

        My pleasure. Good luck, and here’s to hoping that loser gets what they have coming to them… Karma’s a b!+€#.

        • The Guat October 24, 2016 at 10:30 AM #

          I’m desperately hoping for Karma to show up as my witness. Thanks.

  2. http://theenglishprofessoratlarge.com October 23, 2016 at 10:23 AM #

    This happened to me a few weeks after a fender bender set up by the other driver, suing me for $25,000. My insurance company attorney
    took care of it. The other party had pulled the same stunt three times in the prior few years. You might have your insurance agent look into it.

    • The Guat October 24, 2016 at 10:23 AM #

      I. Can’t. Even. I thought close to 10 was terrible but 25? Duuuude. Where do these people come from? Ugh. The insurance company tried to settle but she wasn’t having it. So she raised the stakes, but the insurance company is being very helpful with legal counsel and documents, so I’m hoping the judge will be able to see the truth and settle this.

  3. Cayman Thorn October 23, 2016 at 12:07 PM #

    This sucks hermana. On so many levels.

    You’ve got some great advice in the comments above. Throw everything back at her, from those persons you can enlist as far as legal representation (possibly witnesses as well?) to statements she made at the scene. It’s all on the table now, so battle.

    And keep the chocolate rotation going. For now.

    Best wishes, and you WILL get through this.

    • The Guat October 24, 2016 at 10:28 AM #

      Thanks so much for the support brother, it’s been an interesting week to say the least. But I’m thankful that the insurance company is helping out with documents and counsel advice. But I had no witnesses, although she had a partner in crime with her. I imagine she will be there, but I’m hoping with all the documents and pictures I have the judge will see the truth instead of this scam. Thanks for your support.

  4. Jackie Cangro October 23, 2016 at 2:34 PM #

    Ugh. This @*$% stinks. You need an emergency chocolate intervention pronto!

    I’ve seen the Mike Birbiglia piece and it’s amazing for many reasons. He’s fab.

    • The Guat October 24, 2016 at 10:32 AM #

      Dude I know right? I had some chocolate gelato last night and will continue with Ben &Jerry’s today. Mike is the only thing that made me laugh afterward. He definitely helped me turn the corner. I love him he’s awesome.

  5. brickhousechick October 23, 2016 at 8:22 PM #

    That is absolutely absurd!!! WTF? That must have freaked you out to be served those papers. Dios Mío! I hope it gets thrown out and you can move on with your real life instead of this Judge Judy episode!! ❤️

    • The Guat October 24, 2016 at 10:34 AM #

      Dude I know right? I feel like I’m gonna be on a bad episode of Caso Cerrado. Just a totally burn when someone is trying to get away with a scam and has gotten this far. Like I can’t believe she was even able to bring this to court. Totally ridiculous. But thanks for your support.

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