‘Twas The Night Before …

25 Jul

Only a few hours before midnight and the fourth decade of my life will have started and my head will be resting on the cool side of the pillow, I hope. Not with a wild and crazy party filled with dancing, music or a disco ball, but just with the soft, steady, breathing of my kids fast asleep and the quiet of the night that can only be the special kind of quiet when the moon is out.

Thinking of the big 3-9 that just passed me, the year that went by, the Gatorade-worthy moments that made me feel good all week and the sad moments the took pieces of my heart away where acceptance was my only option. All of this feels 40, the bigness of 40, I feel it.

It weighed on me today, nervous like cold feet before a wedding. I’ve got it. The cold feet.

I wish I had my best friend here, or just a phone call away. But I don’t. Did I tell you I lost my best friend? They didn’t die or anything the friendship just got lost with time, within the 38 and 39 year-old time frame. It got lost and not so much because of me, which is sad when a friend isn’t your friend anymore, and it’s hitting me more now that the Big 4-0 is coming up.

I still have friends though, good friends, circle of trust friends, comadres and compadres, but that best friend the first one you call when something amazing happens, or something just devastating blindsides you, crushes you and you can’t breathe, and you can’t find yourself and your best friend is there and they bring you back to you. They see the you, that you see and that very fact comforts you back into existence.

I lost them, but I’ve found ways to bring The Guat back to Guat. I’ve found moments. Through this 40-Before-40 journey the smallest moments throughout the day have given me something to be grateful for, something to smile about, something to find the pulse back to my heartbeat.

The sunset, taking a deep breath after my morning run, feeling the cool water of an early morning swim, meditating, finding Ben & Jerry’s, hitting the publish button on a new post, talking to my blogging buddies, laughing with Jon Stewart, getting an a-ha moment from a good book, or finding a life lesson where I least expected it.

But today … in today’s moment, I found that my kids’ hugs were tight enough to make me feel loved throughout the whole day. Today I found that my son’s cannonball brought a smile to my face, and that my daughter’s laughter helped me laugh too. Today I found that even though I haven’t had a best friend in a while, I had family.

I was grateful for that.

They reminded me that we drove all the way over here for a big adventure, a weekend vacation that we all deserved for my Big 4-0, and that it was going to be great.

Twas the night before … and I was feeling better.

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10 Responses to “‘Twas The Night Before …”

  1. Dancing Echoes July 26, 2015 at 4:00 AM #

    Really nice piece!

    • The Guat July 30, 2015 at 1:46 AM #

      Thanks so much for saying that. It was a tough day, but I find some moments of gratitude to turn things around πŸ™‚

  2. http://theenglishprofessoratlarge.com July 26, 2015 at 8:31 AM #

    Happy Birthday. “Life begins at 40” is not just and old adage; it’s true.

    • The Guat July 30, 2015 at 1:25 AM #

      Thanks so much for the well wishes, I’m sure hoping it begins πŸ™‚ We’ll see.

  3. Jackie Cangro July 26, 2015 at 2:07 PM #

    Happy Birthday! So many wonderful things await you. I’m glad that you’re finding ways to bring the Guat back to the Guat. Simple pleasures πŸ˜‰

    • The Guat July 30, 2015 at 1:27 AM #

      Duuuuuuuude thanks so much. Sometimes people or events or things knock the Guat out of Guat, but I’m glad I’m finding my way back and comments like this from good peeps like you definitely help. Thanks πŸ™‚

  4. brickhousechick July 27, 2015 at 9:13 AM #

    Guat!!!!!!!! Felicidades!!!! πŸŽ‰πŸ‘πŸ’‹πŸ·πŸŒΊπŸ˜πŸ’œπŸ‘πŸ‘ŒπŸΌπŸ’ͺπŸ»πŸ™πŸ»βš‘οΈβ˜€οΈπŸ¦πŸ°πŸΉπŸΊπŸŽ‚ I am having an emoji party on your behalf!!! Tu eres una mujer espectacular!! Keep being Guat because she is pretty damn special. Muchos Besos!!! πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

    • The Guat July 30, 2015 at 1:30 AM #

      Hepa Chica!!! Thanks for raising your glass and partying it up for me. It’s always good when you stop by, you have an awesome zest and good heart. Thanks so much for the kind words and for seeing me the way I my kids see me even though you have yet to see me. Totally appreciate it mujer. πŸ™‚

  5. Apple Pie & Napalm July 28, 2015 at 8:15 PM #

    I hope you had a fantastic birthday! Mine was the 25th! Hope yours was awesome. Thought of you last night when AMC ran Scarface and Carlito’s Way. Heaven. Yup.

    • The Guat July 30, 2015 at 1:34 AM #

      Thanks so much buddy! It turned out so much better than expected. And holy crap! Happy belated birthday to you! The 25th! Duuuuuude I knew there was a reason why I liked you so much. And doesn’t AMC rock? Watching Scarface and Carlito’s Way on a birthday weekend sounds like an awesome plan. Love it! OH! And totally thought of you after my birthday adventure … as I went skydiving and had it filmed and one of my main men on the soundtrack…yup Tim McGraw singing his Live Like You Were Dying song as I jumped off the plane. Pretty good memory.

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