My Warrior Update #9

Complications beyond your control. This has become The Guat training mantra this month. I know you can’t control everything, but wouldn’t it be nice to control some things?

Ahhhh the mom dream.

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Having my son at home, and not in preschool, for the past month has altered my workout situation. It is no longer taking place in the morning with the baby and my clunky Chicco stroller. It’s become an evening affair, when I’m tired, listless, ready to pass out and in need of “Vita-meata-vegamin”.

It’s the only time, when the kids are asleep and someone can just physically be in the house with them, in case they wake up.

I’ve been working out at night, which makes me more vigilant about my surroundings and any crazy pedophiles that may be lurking in the shadows. It makes me think I should go back to my Hapkido dojo and finish earning my black belt.

Perhaps that will be my next project when my income is more incoming. Until then I’ll have to rely on muscle memory, which to tell you the truth has been pretty good. So anybody who tries to sneak up on me will probably be in need of some serious medical attention. But I try to avoid situations like that and stay on the running track, which is pretty well-lit and in front of a fire station.

However, I still feel pretty bad about not being able to workout on a daily basis these past two weeks, considering the race is just 10 days away. But I make up for it in other lame ways, like running up and down the stairs, as if they were bleachers, or jumping rope. It’s not the same as running two-and-a-half miles but at least it’s a workout and that’s the best I can do. Can’t control everything, right?

But considering that  there’s absolutely no preparation for the last two obstacles, I shouldn’t feel like such a loser. That’s right. No prep, no training. None. So I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad about my dismal workouts last week and this week. The obstacles are based on sheer adrenaline and craziness.

The Petrifying Plunge is the obstacle where I “slosh down a slippery slope” which looks mountain-like from the pictures. A giant dangerous slip-n-slide for adults. I know how to fall, so I don’t think this will be a problem. My concern: stopping. I think I might just do one of those crash landings. No other way to do it.

But the one that freaks me out the most: The Warrior Roast. I’m supposed to leap over the “Warrior  Fires” … logs that are on fire. 

Fire … the stuff with heat and flames. I’m not to keen on burning, so I’m gonna have to use some sort of high jumping skills to clear these bad boys.

Leap, to be more accurate. Leap. Leaping is higher than jumping. It sounds higher than jumping, doesn’t it? I’m going to have to practice leaping this week. Definitely.

With this one there’s nothing I can do to prepare. It’s just a matter of building enough adrenaline and bad-ass attitude to go for it.

Giddy up!

 

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My Warrior Update #8 … Surprises

How you gonna change on me? I’ve been mentally and physically preparing my muscles for these obstacles? I’ve been training them not to fall down certain ways, because you know I can fall all kinds of ways … it’s the Guat in me. And now, I’m going to have to retrain these Guat muscles. It’s not easy people. Gravity is a powerful thing and then you’re gonna throw in five new obstacles in the mix that gives gravity an even bigger advantage? I can only do so many push-ups and squats.  Let’s not get crazy. 

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But at least I’ve got about two more weeks. Warrior challenge indeed. The unexpected always happens. That’s a given … that happens all the time in every aspect of my life past and present … motherhood, sports writer, substitute teacher, designated driver, etc…. Expect the unexpected and then train like hell.

I’m glad I checked the Warrior Dash home page this week. Otherwise I would have been in for a surprise when I ran into the Road Rage, Vertical Limit, Barricade Breakdown, Great Warrior Wall, and Capsized Catamaran obstacles.

I think I’m gonna need more Glucosamine.

It seems that a few of them I can handle with ease. Road Rage has me “stampeding through a scrap yard of rusted wreckage.” I can stomp. I can climb cars. I can slide over the hoods. I’ve seen Dukes of Hazzard. This is one is not too bad.

In Vertical Limit I’m “scaling to the summit and sliding down the vertical drop.” I’m rock climbing basically. However, no harnesses or ropes attached to my body. But I’ve seen Sylvester Stallone‘s Cliffhanger…I’ll be fine. I’ve rock climbed before, so this one seems all right. I just need to remember to bring my Hapkido/Kung Fu grip so I don’t fall backwards. Thank God I don’t believe in manicures, I’ll be able to hold on tight without worrying about my Lee Press-On Nails.

 In Barricade Breakdown it’s pretty much hurdling over barricades and then trying not to breakdown as I crawl in the mud under barbed wire. I used to run hurdles in high schools. I know, I know with my falling record you would think, why? But sometimes you have to face fear head on. Did I fall? Plenty of times. Did I get back up? Yeah. I had to finish. So I’m no stranger to pain. Hurdling won’t be a problem. I didn’t break any school records, but I was a pretty quick Guat.

 The Great Warrior Wall seems like the Deadman’s Drop. Climbing a ginormous wooden barricade and then dropping or sliding down. I think they just put this one in so that your arms could feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel the burn as they hoist you and all your poundage up and over. I think I’m gonna drop and give myself 20 as soon as I finish this post. Just so my arms get used to feeling like jello after all the burn.

Last but not least is Capsized Catamaran. This one replaced a tall climb where waterfalls constantly splashed over you, like a hurricane. This substitution is unfortunate for me because the new challenge is a bitch.

I’m a little scared. It requires me to “swim, climb, stumble, and swim.” That’s a lot for one obstacle. And it’s the swimming. I’m not the best swimmer. I’m like my Dad … I’m a floater who splashes. The only way I can swim is the backstroke. When I did the triathlon I “backstroked” the entire swim. It’s the only way I made it, but this was in an Olympic-sized pool. The Warrior Dash will have murky waters and crowds of people rushing, swimming the normal way. I think I need to see where I’m going, can’t be swimming backwards. Maybe it won’t be a real swim, maybe I can tread water.

Definitely more Glucosamine needed … that and push-ups. 

Giddy up!

My Warrior Update #7

It’s when my face will be red, when my legs will be tired, when my sportsbra will be put to the test, and when my feet will probably be yelling at me: “hey dumbass … you should have bought those Dr. Scholls insoles whether or not you had the coupon,” … this is where my Guatemalan Warrior is put to the test … In the middle and near the end of the race.

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This is when the Rocky theme music plays in my head. This is when my second wind kicks in, although I don’t know why the second one was invented you should just have one that lasts. This is when running two miles every day for the past month conditions me to persevere. This is when I see myself in slow motion, in a Gatorade commercial, black and white, a single perspiration drop rolling on the side of my face, with the narrator saying “Do you have it in you?”…

Hell to the yes!

The obstacles this time: nets. Climbing and crossing them, both challenging for a professional faller-downer like myself, but for some reason I’m feeling pretty confident.

The Chaotic Crossover requires that I “crawl across tangled nets,” in a sort of low-to-the-ground Spider-Man warm-up obstacle, if he ever warms up before fighting crime. It’s a place where I can clearly lose my New Balance running shoes, if I’m not concentrating, and get my foot tangled in that web, providing a serious traffic jam for my fellow warriors.

The Cargo Climb allows me to “maneuver over cargo nets” in a pretty tall man-made structure. This one I fear, a little. Not so much the climb up, but the way down. Like a roller coaster at Six Flags … you’re all hyped on the way up, but when you know you have to come down that’s when butterflies flutter.

It’s the falling thing, or the get-your-foot-caught-in-the-net-thing and still continue to fall … well dangle as others just continue to climb around me. But I’m sure there are good Samaritans in the race.

Good athletes have a code … “never leave a man behind”.  If you can help, you do. Is it a competition? Yes. But it’s not the Olympics, so I’m sure there will be some broke down athletes at various locations and if I could I help detangle someone I would. I just hope someone else would do the same. If they stroll on by laughing at me, I know they weren’t athletes back in the day … probably cheerleaders.

My Warrior Update #6

This is where my army or marine training would come in handy… if I had been an armed forces soldier. But I’m a writer. So I have to rely on my sad push-up regiment to help me conquer these Warrior Dash obstacles. You would think that the push-up would be easier by now and that I’d be doing five sets of twenty-five and be on the cover of Muscle and Fitness Magazine … but for some reason my weak left wrist begs to differ.

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It’s got a kink. According to WebMD I could have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or Psoriatic Arthritis. But apparently some of my friends feel WebMD isn’t the most trustful, so I will need to get it checked out by a regular-in-office-white-coat MD. Until then I’ll probably rely on BenGay, a wrap of some sort. and ibuprofen.

What about climbing?

Don’t you need wrist action for the Deadman’s Drop and Giant Cliffhanger?

Not really. I’ll most likely need biceps and quads. With all my merengue and cumbia dancing my quads are awesome. They’ll be fine. It’s only when I’m doing push-ups that my wrist is not happy. So as long as I don’t have to drop down and give someone twenty, I think my wrist will survive. Maybe I’ll start lifting some barbells to ease my wrist push-up problem. Regardless, I’m sure I’ll need some wrist strength on these climbing escapades.

The Giant Cliffhanger allows me the opportunity to “trek to the top of a massive slope” using rope as my guide. So I am basically hoisting my entire body weight up, over, and down this man-made slope … something you would see in army training, I imagine. But as long as it’s not a timed event, I’m sure I can haul my butt awkwardly over this challenge.

In the Deadman’s Drop I will “climb to the top and over an unhandy hurdle.” Safely… safely is the key word here. However, as you reach the top and climb over to the other side, the second part of this obstacle gives you two options: 1) go down a make-shift wooden slide where you may or may not get splinters on your ass or 2) jump the distance becoming the deadman that drops because you’re so tired, possibly twisting your ankle in the process.

Awesome choices … I know. I haven’t decided what I’ll do yet. Any suggestions?

I’m sure once I get up there my athlete instincts will kick in and I’ll make my decision on the spot, with confidence and without fear. Regular Guat Warrior, if you will.

Giddy up!

 

My Warrior Update #5

I’m not sure I can thoroughly prepare for this week’s obstacle. I mean I think I’m a little late on this one. I could have practiced when I was growing up at the neighborhood park, you know been like the other kids climbing that big geodome, but I wasn’t like anybody else …

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There was no climbing in my neighborhood unless it was over a fence and even then it had to be for a good reason i.e. ditching school, running away from a suspect element, or getting the last baseball that got grand-slammed over the neighbor’s house, a regular Sandlot moment. But see these were vertical climbs.

Leave it to The Warrior Dash to have something called The Horizontal Hike, where I am supposed to “voyage over an arching obstruction”. Arching obstruction concerns me. Have you seen these geodomes in kiddie playgrounds? I was never one to climb those things. I was more of a baseball diamond chick, hoops b-baller lady, and volleyball Karch Kiraly/Sinjin Smith chica. I had no time to be falling through holes in playground climbing equipment. I fell on the field, much more dignified and athletic like.

I rock climbed a few times. I get a good grip, but once again — vertical. And incidentally it’s attached to a rock — a piece of Earth — and you’re attached to a harness and rope. Geodomes … no rock. No climbing equipment. Just a man-made wobbly structure made of metal, where I imagine if you slip, it might be painful. Metal, like wood, hurts and knowing my track record for being gravity challenged, I might need some ice packs and Ben Gay on demand.

But you never know, I could crawl over this thing like Spiderman and move on unscathed. It could happen. I got the power of positive thinking and visualization. It happens to golfers all the time. I just have to use this mentality while I’m out of breath, tired, weak-kneed, dripping of sweat, nervous, and prepared to “voyage” over an obstruction. Although adding some more push-ups to my workout couldn’t hurt.

Definitely possible. Dude … I’m an athlete. I drink Gatorade.

 

 

My Warrior Update #4 … An Unexpected Side Effect

All right. All right. All right. Weight Watcher, Jenny Craig and The Biggest Loser people don’t be upset. It just happened. I didn’t mean for it, I didn’t plan on it. It just happened. I know that’s sounds like a line from Melrose Place, Dallas, or Dynasty. But it’s the truth. I don’t blame you for being upset. I’d get upset at writers who say “yeah it just happened. I didn’t plan on it, but it just fell into my lap and I got a chance to write an episode of Mad Men and now I have an Emmy.” And here I am still a struggling writer.

What is that?

Ugh.

I completely understand if you send me hate mail. But just don’t get crazy.

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In all this training and muscle pumping for The Warrior Dash, it didn’t even occur to me that I’d be losing weight. It was an unexpected side effect, like hair loss. But apparently this side effect is good for your health. I didn’t plan on it, but there it was … ten pounds lighter and counting. My face is slender, my arms are sculpted, and my legs are toned. But if it makes you feel better my pants are still tight and my stomach muscles do not resemble a six-pack at all.

I didn’t think of my workouts as weight-loss workouts but more of don’t-fall-on-your-face-at-the-race workouts — conditioning so that I’d outrun the sixty-year old Ironman chick racing beside me. I guess the anticipation of competition just pushed me. I don’t want to be last. And that’s how it happened. I lost weight the sneaky way. But losing weight or going down a dress size (even though I don’t wear dresses I’ve gone down a size, so if I chose to I could wear a smaller one) was not my ultimate goal.  Surviving those crazy obstacles in one piece is my main concern.

Stuff like the “Teetering Traverse” … yeah that definitely requires something. In this obstacle I’m supposed to teeter my way through a soaring track. Teeter … move unsteadily or unsurely … wobble. I’m supposed to wobble across a series of boards … like walking the plank multiple times. However, before reaching this test I’d run about a mile and hopefully survived a handful of obstacles.

Teetering … my whole life is teetering. You’d think I’d be good at that…but balance is not my strongest suit as many of you know… I’m a professional “faller” — forwards, backwards, up and down. I’m sure if I put my mind to it, I could remember falling sideways too.

Yoga … I should take up yoga.

My Warrior Update #3

Feeling The Warrior take shape within my Guatemalan body, regardless of the chaos, it envelopes me … inch by inch.

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I’m on about four hours sleep a night because the baby is teething and my son has the flu. I feel like the Un-Bionic Woman when I wake up.  I can find every excuse not to train, not to run, not to build muscle. There are plenty, including my son’s old Chicco Travel System Stroller that the baby currently uses. It’s not a racing, high-tech Ironman running stroller with an extra absorbent suspension system that provides a smooth lightweight ride. It’s clunky, you feel every pebble, and the front-right wheel desperately needs WD-40 every time I hit the track. But it holds babies up to 30 pounds, not that my kid is 30 pounds yet. But it works fine for walking the dog, not so much for running and keeping the baby asleep at the same time.

Every excuse crosses my mind, but then I think of the obstacles awaiting me on this 3.1 mile extravaganza, and I just grab the WD-40, my New Balance,  and hit the track. Conditioning and upper-body strength is a big part of this race, however they do throw a curve ball at you with a few obstacles that you can’t really prepare for, unless you watch the  Fear Factor or something.

Slithering Swamp. This little encounter says I am to “venture into unknown murky waters.” That’s it. I not a big fan of gloomy or obscure water. I think of the movie Stand By Me every time and I don’t want to end up like Gordie. Leeches suck, literally and figuratively. I think this will be the sprinting portion of the race for me. Flo Jo here I come.

Deadweight Drifter appears to be similar to Slithering Swamp, however they’ve decided to have me “trudge through waist-deep water and over logs.” Over logs being the key words here. This will be a challenge. I don’t think I can do this on land, let alone water. So I’ve taken to practice this hurdle and adding ankle weights, perhaps that will help my quads bust out of the water like an Navy SEAL.

Whatever the results, all I want to do is not eat it more than once in these murky waters. I don’t care about dirt under my fingernails, I was an athlete, a jock…but the George McFly in me just isn’t a fan of murky.

Giddy Up!

My Warrior Update #2

I don’t feel any sculpting developing here.  I feel soreness and backaches. Normal for a 35-year old body in training, but I consider myself an athlete so I’m a little disappointed in my muscle metamorphosis, but I’ve got two more months to physically transform into a Warrior. 

Warrior Dash

This week I decided to change it up a bit as it dawned on me that this race is not going to take place on a smooth all-weather polyurethane track. There will probably be elevation changes, dirt, rocks, gravel…all kinds of mother nature obstructions other than the Warrior obstacles. So I went hiking, which when you think of it is really just walking quickly up a mountain. I should have gone running up there, but considering the shin splints I got the next day I think walking briskly was the better choice. What a wimp! Apparently I overloaded my shinbone and the connective tissue with excessive force. So I took two days off to recover.

During my 48-hour training hiatus I decided to work on my muscles in order to prepare for the Rubber Ricochet and Muddy Mayhem obstacles. In the Rubber Ricochet I must “ram my way through a rubber jungle” composed of old Goodyears and Michelins. But what I didn’t understand was whether people would be shoving me into these tires, or the tires would be swinging on their own, either way it sounds painful. I won’t be wearing football pads or anything, so I focused on biceps. I mean I don’t look like Angela Bassett in What’s Love Got To Do With It, but I feel the seeds of strength planted.

I’ll probably also need upper body strength during Muddy Mayhem in addition to quad muscles. In this little adventure I scramble in the mud underneath barbed wire. I’ll probably need arm muscles to keep my face from drowning in the mud, but not too high or I’ll find myself getting stabbed by the sharp edges usually used to restrain cattle. Sounds like Semper Fi training, but I’m not even close to Armed Forces material. I should practice crawling, I guess.

In any case the training continues, the cardio commences, and ten obstacles to go. Giddy up!

My Warrior Update

I was energized…could’ve come out in a Gatorade commercial. I laced up my New Balance and worked out every day, making up for my minor set back a couple of weeks ago. And then the weekend hit…and it was over. No workouts squeezed in the early mornings or late evenings. It was a rough one, two kid parties, massive fruit roll-ups, and cake. Not just any cake…red velvet cake. Do you know how much butter is in that? Ooohhhhhhhhhh. Butter.

And now…here I am eating Doritos with sour cream and making a permanent imprint of my butt on the couch. I don’t even buy Doritos. For some reason they happen to be in the pantry and all of sudden I had flashbacks of late night study sessions in college and bam…half the bag was gone.  What is that? That’s completely not Warrior mentality. That’s fat-ass mentality.

Warrior Dash

I mean do I honestly think that the Warrior Dash is gonna be easy. Dude no. No. I needed to “scared-straight” myself because missing three days can become a week, then two. So I visited the website again and studied the 13 obstacles that await me. I’m doing some push-ups tonight. Maybe even the Doctor Oz Seven Minute Workout. Something.

But incidentally, other than my quick workout, I just have to break it down. I’ll start with my first challenge.

Obstacle #1: Satan’s Steps

I don’t know about this title. Being Catholic and all, I think the odds are stacked against me… but the fact that I fell UP the stairs, well that can’t be good either. I’m supposed to “scamper across staggering steps”. Scamper. Run nimbly? Dude. That is a challenge for me. I just need to put one foot in front of the other. That’s it. I think I’ll practice running up some stairs or as I did in my high school days …”bleachers”. Run the stadium bleachers develop my quads, so that I can scamper. But right now, game plan is to do this challenge slooooooooowwwwwwwwwly. Because with me I can fall up or down.

Giddy up!