Tag Archives: funny stories

You Want Some Funny and Adventure in Your Life?

10 Oct

I feel like it’s my duty.

As my fellow bloggers are out there … in the open … putting their guts out for everyone to read, enjoy, and judge I as a fellow writer think I should not only support their dream but give it a little push. I’m totally in favor of pushing. So I thought it best to take the time out of my semi-humorous blog to help out those writers that also have the Dreamer’s Disease. The published author.

My pal over at Lame Adventures chronicles humorous life moments in a series of short stories in her debut novel Lame Adventures: Unglamorous Tales From Manhattan.

Dude.

Image via Amazon

Image via Amazon

Subway Stories and Martini Max & Me happen to be a few of my favorites. They have a little New York in them and a whole lot of funny. Her wit and mastery with words can only make this Amazon purchase worthy of glowing reviews. So if you’re definitely in the mood to travel to New York and get plenty of ha-ha moments without getting on a plane Lame Adventures is definitely something for you.

“Unglamorous Tales from Manhattan is the user’s manual for living life at its fullest, on a wallet at its emptiest, in the metropolis that is the glitziest.”

I mean how can you not pick it up after that description, right?

Image via Amazon.com

Image via Amazon.com

Then there’s my buddy over at The 50 Year Project whose book A Woman Lost, is what I’ve been waiting for … it’s my wait list item. But if you’re advanced and have Kindle you can totally get it and fall in love with Lizzie, her partner Sarah, and the rest of the characters and hate those who try to bring her down. Dysfunctional families … they’re tough.

I can’t wait to get my hands on it and discover Lizzie’s journey through it all. Knowing my buddy, T.B., I can tell you that it probably has humorous moments, real moments, love story moments, and life moments swirled together in an engaging can’t put down novel.

Those are it people … those are my peeps fulfilling their dreams, putting it out there for the whole world to see. So hopefully you will too. You want some extra funny and adventure in your life? Then stop by Amazon and pick up a novel or two.

 

 

 

 

Saturday Night Live Eyes and Melissa McCarthy Make Great Pick-Me-Up Moments

20 Aug

 

Finding the funny. Sometimes this can be difficult when suffering bouts of malaise, or damn near impossible when dealing with your dysfunctional family who pushes you over the edge. Perspective takes time … at least 24 hours. When dealing with relationships, it could take weeks, months or years.

So how do I find the funny?

As I was researching the internet for another personal project I happen to run into some great piece of advice.

“Rewrite your worst days as Saturday Night Live skits.” — Corrie Pikul

I’ve never heard of Corrie, but I think she is pretty badass for coining this phrase. Would I have loved  Will Ferrell to star with me? I mean his cowbell and cheerleader skits made for side-splitting laughter. Molly Shannon as Mary Catherine Gallagher … priceless. Or perhaps encountering Dana Carvey’s church lady or Chris Farley’s dirty dancing adventure with Patrick Swayze … c’mon now. My relationships, career, and run-ins with jackasses would be less stressful if I saw these experiences through Saturday Night Live Eyes.

However after reading this, I realized that I unconsciously do this Saturday Night Live skit from time to time. I rewrite the disasters of the day to include some comedic aspect, just so that I can move on and not become bitter. Seeing this quote in print made me more aware of the situation, so I bookmarked the page and decided it would be one of my mantras — helping me through those special family times or instances where I want to push my significant other out of a moving vehicle — a speeding vehicle.

But sometimes the funny doesn’t come right away and you dive into the rocky road ice cream. The next day comes and you repeat your chocolatey fifteen thousand calories snack. You could probably empty the case at Baskin Robbins, but you could also search for other people’s funny moments and that laughter can help you out a little.

And although rocky road is an amazing mood changer, this moment made for a great pick-me-up.


I’m glad I don’t wear Spanx, because I can see this happening to someone like myself.

 

 

 

Univision and The Power Of Pearl Dust

16 Aug

As I sat there on the computer trying to ignore the chicks on Univision and all their sneaky secret plots to deceive the guy, that commercial came out.

La Crema Concha Nacar.

This is probably why I avoid watching telenovelas. This moisturizer commercial shows up at least three or four times in that hour-long drama.

Image via conchanacarvenus.com

This is probably one of the most irritating gimmicks spread across the Latino population. Every mother, aunt, and cousin over the age of fifty in my family has a jar of this crap. From the motherland, to The East Coast and to the West Coast that little pink jar sits in their medicine cabinet. Probably next to their Una De Gato (Cat’s Nail), which is a pill that alleviates menstrual cramps, rheumatism, and kidney stones.

Yeah they should be on covers of magazines, right?

Apparently La Crema Concha Nacar clears age spots, sun spots, and pregnancy stretch marks. It dims scars caused by acne and blackheads, in addition to eliminating pimples. It contains some kind of pearl dust found deep in the ocean. I mean who goes scuba diving into the depths of the shark infested ocean to harvest some kind of pearl dust?

Well I guess the makers of  La Crema Concha Nacar do. The moisturizer is supposed to make you look as good as the chick in the commercial — the one that walks around her house in a bikini all day. They strive hard for your beauty.

Let me tell you, all these Guats don’t go walking around in a two piece. They still have age spots and I really think they stopped getting acne at the age of twenty. Pearl dust. They should have just gotten the magic beans and gone up the beanstalk with Jack. They would’ve had better luck.

However they all swear by it. This sort of purchasing decision makes me question all the free advice they constantly bestow on me. How can I take life or motherhood advice from someone who is in the Concha Nacar Cream Club and shells out $50-$70 bucks on 4 oz jar?

I mean they could probably just get some Neutrogena or Oil Of Olay for a lot less and their skin would look the same. But these ladies are old school. They believe in the power of pearl dust. Sad but true. Until someone else other than myself snaps them out of it, they’re probably going to be lifetime costumers. I could probably bring them a study with facts and statistics and I would still be talking out of my ass. I’m just the little Guat up against Univision and the power of pearl dust.

All I can do is change the channel. So I do.

Don’t Forget to Feed the Dog

22 Jan

She’s a cranky senior citizen now. Barks at her shadow and stares at herself in the mirror just to see if the other dog blinks first. She drives me crazy, but I still love her, even after the incident.

She usually eats twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. Once cup. That’s it. Apparently she overweight. Complete strangers come up to me and say “Wow a dalmatian, haven’t seen one in a while. She’s overweight isn’t she?”

I feel like saying…”well you’re ugly and you don’t hear me saying anything.”

 I got her on some kind of senior citizen dog food with weight maintenance and glucosamine. Suppose to help her function better although I don’t know if it helps her hearing…she’s got selective hearing. Husbands have that too. And on this particular morning they were both exercising that skill.

Life was hectic as always in the morning when trying to get two kids ready to leave the house. Brushing teeth, combing hair, breakfast time, clear the table, change diaper, prepare bottles, potty break, change of clothes, more diapers, pack the snacks, walk the dog, another potty break, and fix the diaper bag. Ready to go out the door. I check the dinner table and make sure the computer is off. I do a double-take as I got some cash on the table. I was going to put it in my wallet, but decided to leave it at home. You know the rule with cash…the more you got in your wallet the more you spend. Then at the end of the day you open your wallet find a lonely George Washington and say what the hell happened?

So I left the cash on the computer. Three hundred-dollar bills, two fifties, four twenties, and three dollar bills. We had just cashed a check and were going to deposit the funds in the bank, but it was a Sunday…so we thought we’d wait.

Off I went on my adventure with the kids, returning in time for lunch. I place the diaper bag on the table and see the bills on the floor. No money on the table. It’s scattered. I must have dropped it while rushing out the door. I find two hundreds, two fifties, four twenties and three dollars.

Crap!

Where’s the other hundred? I’ve been known to lose money…falling out of my jacket pocket, dropping it as I pull the keys out of my backpack, falling out of a hole in a plastic grocery bag. It’s all been done and lost. And this time I thought I did it again. 

As I’m searching under the table and in between the couch cushions, my husband walks in and asks me what I’m trying to find. I explain I’ve dropped one of the bills and I’m just trying to look for it.

“Oh. Man. Not again!”

“Dude. Just help me look.”

As we’re both in search of the money the dog gets up and starts sniffing around.  She’s in dire need of a Tic Tac.

“Ugh. Did you feed the dog?”

“I thought you fed her.”

“No.”

“No wonder she’s so friendly.”

“No wonder her breath smells.”

My husband walks over to her food canister, but stops midway. He sees something. Our dog stands at her dog bowl and starts whimpering.

“Dude. I thought you were going to feed her.”

He walks over to the dog bed and sees a crumpled up bill.

“I found it!”

I smile and turn to look at him. He’s not smiling

“Well at least half of it.”

My Dog...looks guilty right?

We both stare at the dog…out of all those bills this bitch decides to eat the hundred-dollar bill. What is that! There were only three of them. She doesn’t eat the twenties or the ones, but hunderd-dollar bill. I’m trying to get out of this living arrangement here at my parents and she decides to have a hundred-dollar appetizer.  Well…fifty I guess.
 

We both stare at the dog. I open the canister, my husband pours in one-two-three-four…four cups of food. Screw the weight maintenance. This bill is coming out.

And now I wait.