Tag Archives: dating

Relationship Advice … Costanza Style

25 Feb


Costanza Wisdom

Costanza Wisdom



I Thought Clothes Were Just Clothes

10 Oct

I saw the outfit in the back of the closet and it cracked me up. I hadn’t worn it in months.

Clothes. Apparently they give off a vibe. I wasn’t aware of the vibe. I thought they were just New York Lerner and Old Navy attire. Simple blacks, blues, and grays. Kind of a Meg-RyanYou’ve-Got-Mail wardrobe, but with a lot of short sleeves. It was California. But these were not just clothes, these were vibe givers.

Now as you can tell I not a Project Runway kind of chick. People spend two hundred dollars on one outfit or one purse. I’d rather spend that money on luxury box seats to a game or concert. Maybe an awesome helicopter adventure. But on clothes … not so much. They were work clothes and worked sucked. I didn’t need to look fancy great, I just needed to look clean and neat.

Why the not-so-fancy attitude?

Back in the day I was a middle school substitute teacher. Thrilling, I know. I had a regular school where I was often called on for special assignments, like state testing, library, or dean’s office. Now while I was there I realized that there were three kinds of teachers at that school. The ones rocking high-heels with suits, the ones sporting the New York Lerner Style, and the ones who thought casual Friday happened five days a week, with their wrinkled clothes, ragged jeans, and flip-flops.

You got to know these people pretty well if you had a regular assignment. And I did. During these on-going months I got to know the entire staff, the walkie-talkie people, the coordinators, and a few teachers. I made lunch friends.

image via nova.saisd.net

However even if they’re your lunch friends, you don’t get into your personal life right away. You sort of ease into it. So for months I hadn’t mentioned that I had a boyfriend. It just never came up in conversation and no one really asked me, until I heard about the “If-you-had-to-go-out-with-somebody-from-school-who-would-it-be game.”

I had never heard of this game, but apparently it was played often when alcohol was involved. Something the teachers and coordinators did regularly.

Now apparently my name had come up a few times and I was completely unaware of this secret I’d-go-out-with-the-Guat game, until I was asked to go out for drinks with the girls. There we were hanging out and then I was finally asked in a nonchalant kind of way if I was attached. I had mentioned that I was seeing someone.

“What’s her name?” They asked.

“Her name? What do you mean?”

“Um … Nothing. I meant his name.”

I told them his name and we chatted a bit more had a few drinks and then went on our way.

A few weeks later I asked one of the teachers at the girls night out why they had asked me if I was dating a chick.

“We just thought you were playing for the other team.”

“Oh. Why would you think that?” I said feeling like Jerry Seinfeld in his ever so popular not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that skit.

“I guess you just gave off a vibe.”

“A vibe?”

“Yeah the way you dress with your outfits, always hanging around with the girls, and the fact that you never mentioned a dude this whole time. You were sort of on the ‘gay-dar’… but still a mystery.”

I was surprised. I didn’t know I was giving off any type of vibe. I thought clothes were just clothes. But I thought it was funny. I’d never been an object of affection. A hot object of affection …

“Yeah when CiCi found out you didn’t play for her team she was a little disappointed.”

“Why? What’d she say?”

“When we told her you had a boyfriend she stood quiet for a moment and then shook her head and said ‘Oh the whole gay community is going to take a moment of silence on that one.'”

All of this due to a wardrobe malfunction. Who would have thought it … Old Navy? Hmph. I thought clothes were just clothes.

Sticking to Jerry’s Code

30 Sep

It’s the code.

Guys and chicks. They both have it. Everyone everywhere has it. Whether you’re some college chick at a coffeehouse or a forty-three year old dude at a party. You have it.

What’s the code?

JerryJerry Seinfeld does a great job of explaining it in the episode “The Stranded,” where Jerry, George, and Elaine go out to a party, away from the city all the way in Long Island. George begins talking to this lady from work. And this is what happens.

Jerry and George and The Code


Jerry:  You ready?
George:  Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.
Jerry:  I do favors.
George:  I think something’s happening here.
Jerry:  What?
George:  I think she wants me to take her home.
Jerry:  Wow.
George:  What should I do?
Jerry:  Go!  What could you do?
George:  What about you and Elaine?
Jerry:  We’ll get a ride.
George:  Are you sure?  …

Elaine finds out about The Code

Jerry:  Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office.
Elaine:  Really?  Huh.  What a world.  So we can go now?
Jerry:  Uh, no, he’s taking the car.
Elaine:  Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?
Jerry:  I don’t know.
Elaine:  You don’t know!
Jerry:  Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.
Elaine:  Oh great, oh, this is great.  How could you let him take the car?
Jerry:  There’s nothing I could do, it’s part of the code.

The code. It often involves first base, second base, third base or just an all-around home run in the relations department, and of course shafting your friends and letting them fend for themselves if you’re the one with the car. This is probably why you should always have a bus pass, an extra 2o in your pocket, and an emergency back-up ride. You know, when hormones get in the way.

This is the code. However sometimes girls think a little differently. They’re more of the protective-we’re-going-to-stick-together-I-don’t-want-you-to-make-a-drunken-mistake type of code. This is something I followed pretty much most of my life. When your friend is a little inebriated and someone is making the moves on her, you have to gauge the situation. If you look at your friend and think she can get a DUI, you may step in and assess the situation. Perhaps her hanging-out with-guys judgement is severely impaired. I mean if she can’t drive how can she assess Mr. Miller Light over there, right? So you think you’re doing her a favor. If you don’t,  she may wake up the next day and say … what the hell? How come you didn’t pull me out of there?

However sometimes it backfires, which it did with me in college. I never meant to impede anybody from getting their groove on, but apparently things were fine and I just misread the signals.

Ever since this little episode, I have stuck with the Jerry version of The Code. I got an extra 20 in my wallet and an emergency back up ride. Bus passes? Dude. Public transportation at night sucks. Daylight hours seem to work well. So I stick to Jerry’s code, unless my friend is giving me the obvious “help-me-this-guy-is-creepy” signal, I stay away.

Jerry’s code proved to help me out when I recently went out with a couple of high school buddies that I hadn’t seen in a while.

As we were eating, one of my old buddies decided to go to the bar for refills. She was still pretty good-looking, so she had admirers. As she was developing a full-on conversation about who knows what, my other friend commented that she might go over to the bar, just in case our friend needed help.

I asked her if our bar friend had given her the “help-me’ signal. And she said no. I tried to convince her to stay, but she insisted. So off she went to help our friend, but apparently that didn’t work out.

The dude ended up being really interested in my savior friend. He became the restaurant stalker. The dude that stares at you and doesn’t really let you enjoy your meal. The kind that sends over drinks, but you’re not really sure you want to drink them, because you didn’t see the The Mixologist behind the bar make the drinks. The kind that “accidentally” bumps into you as you’re leaving the bathroom. The kind that gives you his card with his cell phone, work phone, and home phone numbers, even though you told him you were married. But he gives it to you just in case. The kind that doesn’t finish his meal, but pays his check just so he can walk out at the same time you guys do.

Yeah … the restaurant stalker. I think he changed her mind about the code. I think she’s a Jerry Code believer now.