Too Many Words on Wednesday

15 Jul

I felt the weight of it.

Took 18 weeks, but I felt it.

The weariness of it.

After managing through distance learning with two kids and one computer, summer and the beginnings of a heat wave with no weekend beach trips, and the worst was yet to come. I felt the weight of it.

Coronavirus.

I’m not sick. I’m one of the lucky ones, but going through this finally got to me.

I was strong for about 18 weeks and just the foul mood of it all got to me and the day ended on a crappy note. I think it’s a matter of space. Being quarantined with your mother while trying to raise your kids and keep them on the positive tip, taxes every part of your being by dinner time. I have found that space is of the utmost importance.

Crucial.

Night time has become a welcomed friend to gather my thoughts or just rest from the anxiety of being with someone that’s not on the same page as you.

Yoga and meditation provide some needed Zen Moments when the goodness of the morning runs has worn off. But today it all got to me and I snapped. The headache came and my patience was lost as I yelled what all moms yell after a long day.

Go to bed!

And then some …

And so …

It was quiet and the guilt of yelling before bed hit me and of course I realized I needed more patience but had spent it all dealing with my mother and her ways.

So I remembered to breathe and allowed myself a little grace.

It was a rough beginning of the week, and it caught up with me on hump day.

Celebrating my daughter’s birthday, trying to find that special moment for her and all the vibrancy, creativeness, joy, and strength in her, while at the same time mourning my dad on the anniversary of his death makes for an epic emotional roller coaster weekend.

The mix of emotions spiraled.

And I knew it. I felt it.

I realized how fast my daughter was growing one day, trying to slow it down as I saw her smiling and how much I missed my father at the cemetery the next. Celebrating with S’mores Icebox cake, tide pool discoveries, unwrapping paints, canvases, sketch pads and a new bicycle with welcomed happiness and laughter one day, and then tears, heartbreak, and childhood memories the next.

Missing him on days like that weaken my spirit.

And then I realized why I snapped …

I know the days are one after the other. They’ve always been that way and I prepare myself but it just hit extra harder this year.

Having no space of my own makes an impact on emotional well-being.

But I was able to revisit a place that helped me find some Zen, some place to breathe.

Gonna be able to reset and do better tomorrow. Hope you do too.

Buen Camino my friends!

.

7 Responses to “Too Many Words on Wednesday”

  1. beth July 16, 2020 at 4:46 AM #

    my heart goes out to you, and I understand. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad, and it’s hard to celebrate when you are already feeling down. today will be a better day. onward.

    • The Guat July 16, 2020 at 9:35 PM #

      Thanks so much for your words and support Beth. Today was better.

    • The Guat July 16, 2020 at 10:03 PM #

      It is super tough to celebrate something you know you should be doing, you deserve to be doing, without feeling pain of a loss. It’s the internal battle. And I’m usually more prepared but I wasn’t this time around, as I’m sure so many others are too. But you were right. I “onwarded’ my way out of it. Thanks

  2. Sorryless July 16, 2020 at 3:52 PM #

    These months have been like a compound fracture to the psyche, hitting so many vulnerabilities and leaving us in a state of OW!

    And when it all catches up with us . . my goodness how it catches up with us.

    Hugs to you, hermana.

    • The Guat July 16, 2020 at 9:57 PM #

      Thanks. It definitely put a smack down on me but today was much better. Everyone has their days when the funk just rolled on in, especially during quarantine. But this extra emotional surge of happiness, then sadness, then guilt, then snapping, then frustration, then guilt over the snapping and frustration. That two-day cycle was rough. But I was grateful today was better. I know it’s coming, the days are always back to back, and I usually field the emotions better. But this year I bobbled the play for an epic error on the field. But I dusted myself off and walked back out there. Today was better, so I’m making my way back.

      • Sorryless July 17, 2020 at 12:04 PM #

        Do you know I STILL carry certain moments- forgettable ones- with me, regarding times I snapped at the kids when they were younger.

        I will never forget a fishing trip I went on with the kids, right before me and their mother separated. I snapped at my son and I can STILL see his face. If I had a time machine? I’d go back to ten seconds before I snapped. I mean it.

  3. The Guat July 17, 2020 at 7:19 PM #

    Duuuuuuude. The face. Right? That guilt just rushing in is a burn. Patience escapes us all! We definitely need a DeLorean and 1.21 gigawatts. I’d save up for that for sure.

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