Alternate Universes with The Wire on Father’s Day

17 Jun

I haven’t been able to perfect the superpower of fending off jackasses with magic bracelets or a golden lasso. I’m not on the Wonder Woman level yet.

But I get plenty of practice without asking.

I knew Father’s Day was going to be hard, but it was a rough one today. On all levels from the early morning, until the moment I started typing this post. It’s been a day I wish would end. And the sad thing is I actually practiced some positive thinking and positive vibes this morning, but the universe sent me different energy.

Apparently I needed to brush up on those superhero skills. But instead all I felt was anger, frustration, and emotional exhaustion.

Random strangers being complete jackasses at the cemetery, the cemetery of all places! I thought at the very least since we’re all grieving people would respect the sanctity of the cemetery. But instead it ended up in a cage match battle of words with a no-holds-barred level of intensity and aggression. Then on top of that, people close to you just say the ugliest things that bring you down, knowing full well that this is a tough day.  I mean it’s no wonder we’re distant, friendship suffering and all. The toxic level is so high that I just can’t go through that again and I’m on the verge of just giving up on them.

All this negative energy and nastiness leaves me feeling teary-eyed about all the ugliness I went through today. I mean, I’m too old for this crap.

And of course, the worst part … it’s Father’s Day and I know that my day would have been completely different if my pops were here. I know it. I’m stuck in an alternate universe and have to keep figuring out how this ride is gonna end up without him here. I guess it’s the unfinished life and all the missed opportunities that really bother me. That feeling always increases on holidays like this.

In an effort to keep him around this week, I had a Season I and Season II binge-watching session of The Wire just to remember  what it was like hanging out with him, his commentary on Omar, McNulty, and Lester. I still think about him often, but days like this, my thoughts are extra heavy. You see about eight years ago on Father’s Day was the last time we spoke. I mean I talked to him every day in the hospital when I was on night shift, but Father’s Day was the last time we had a conversation.

It wasn’t a life talk, or lessons he had yet to teach me, or anything like that. It was about how he was feeling. And about The World Cup, that’s something that really had him excited. His prediction and his favorite teams. He had me record some games, so he could catch up when he got out. It was a to-be-continued conversation, really. Not a good-bye, more like a see you later. You see I didn’t think he was gonna die, I just didn’t. Not my Dad. But he did. So I was left with about a month-long of one-sided late-night conversations. Him listening to me, but not being able to respond. Those were the heartfelt life talks, for sure. So much was said, and I was glad I said it. And the thing is, I never wondered whether or not he heard me, I knew he heard me as I held his hand night after night.

And so I find it so difficult to get passed these days without him by side. I have no regrets because I told him everything I needed to, but I definitely wish he was still here. I wouldn’t need superhero power training and all, to fend off bad guys at the cemetery if he were around.

But he’s not.

So I keep things that he enjoyed close by and I hear his voice when I can … and so now I’m off to dreamland to dream a dream I hope he is in. Maybe we’re having a cup of coffee and talking about life, me drinking tea of course, him with his coffee, black two sugars. Or maybe we’re just watching the The Wire. I’ll let you know how it pans out.

1A

.

Happy Father’s Day everyone.

Buen Camino …

 

 

 

Advertisements

5 Responses to “Alternate Universes with The Wire on Father’s Day”

  1. Susan Swiderski June 18, 2018 at 10:18 AM #

    I’m really sorry your day was so rough. Believe me, it will get easier. Never entirely easy, but easier than it was for you on this day.

    • The Guat July 5, 2018 at 11:48 PM #

      Thanks. This one is always tough. You try to pump yourself up and think good things and feel good vibes all day long, but sometimes you just catch moments because the sadness of missing them so much is still there and takes over. But you’re right. Never entirely easy, but a little. Thanks so much for your kindness and for reading.

  2. Sorryless June 19, 2018 at 7:37 AM #

    It occurs to me that I call you Guat and that seems so impersonal right now. It took me how many years to come to this conclusion? But it does . .
    I’ve told you a time or several that when you write about your father, it is some of the very best writing on WP. Beautiful, poignant and strong as hell. And this post gave me goosebumps. Especially the dream of you and him sitting across from each other and talking.

    This is such a beautiful post . . .

    Peace, The Wire, World Cup soccer and simple conversations that last a lifetime

    • The Guat July 5, 2018 at 11:57 PM #

      Your so kind, bud. I always appreciate you stopping by and reading stories about my pops. I’m always glad when someone can get a sense of him or just my connection with my Dad. Makes me feel like his story is continuing. Thanks so much. As for The Guat. That’s all good. No worries. You met me as The Guat so it’s all good. Some people in the WP Universe call me that, some don’t call me anything at all, and in truth some of my closest college buddies call me that too, on account of me being the sole Guatemalan in the bunch so there’s nothing impersonal really. But Cali is all good too. Whatever is good. I think the only one to call me by my name is Susie the Wildrider and that’s probably because I actually met her in person when she came out here. So if you hit the waves out here or catch some Cali sunshine or ever make it out here duuuuuuuuuude any name is fine, even the real one 🙂

      • Sorryless July 6, 2018 at 5:59 AM #

        Your stories about pops are the best, Guat/Cali And it’s great to know that because I am plenty fine with both of those names. I am a big nickname person so it’s my wheelhouse.
        As for me, I’m Marc of course. Various of my peeps call me Marco, which is what I was called for most of my childhood.
        And of COURSE Susie visited! She is a wild rider!
        Peace and friendship

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: