I don’t know if you’re aware but crossing certain social boundaries within a family dynamic can create a WWE Royal Rumble type of atmosphere.
It can be anything. A look. A word. A phrase. An act. Anyone of these can light the fuse.
And the funny thing is that I was recently reminded that I’m not the only crazy neurotic mom that battles with her family over boundaries.
Earlier this week I hung out with a friend of mine who was in serious need of a girls night out. Apparently Marissa had let her mom babysit over the weekend and when Marissa returned to pick up her daughter, her mom had not only thrown “the schedule” out the window, but also decided to cut the little girl’s hair. And the thing is as a mom I know how important “the schedule” is to a parent’s survival so I thought … man that does suck, but when she mentioned the tiny tot ambush makeover I almost gave her some chocolate.
🙂
I knew my friend — the Aquanet Hairspray junkie — would have a serious problem with that boundary violation. She cherishes her little girls hair and accessorizes it and it’s just on with her, it’s a whole Paul Mitchell obsession with good hair. And the thing is her mom knew that too, so the fact that she decided to go all Edward Scissorhands really surprised me.
Apparently grandma felt that her hair needed a trim … it was just too long.
And that’s when sparks flew.
While hearing her story over pasta and wine, I completely understood why she was so upset. It was the principle … the principle.
This is the root of most wars.
The principle.
An ethical standard or guiding conduct in our lives. The way things work.
Apparently Marissa’s mom did not get the message regarding the principle and hair cutting. And the thing is the haircut itself wasn’t disastrous. It was short, but not terrible. However if that would have happened to me, it would have been serious breech of conduct. So I completely understood her frustration. Cutting a girl’s hair is serious and shouldn’t be done without the verbal and written consent of the mother. But I tried to assure her that it would grow back and that everyone has battles like these.
Principle battles. I have at least three a week with my own flesh and blood. So what do I do when this happens … When I’ve explained that a boundary has been crossed and the principle has been attacked? Do I stand there and wait for the traditional “I’m sorry?”
No. It’s not coming.
I call a friend, have a girl’s night out with my buddy, tell her my woes, eat some chocolate, laugh a lot, and hope for fewer battles.
She was definitely on the right track to recovery.
The Wish Factor 
One of my mom’s friends took me to the mall when I was 10 or 11. My mom’s friend pierced my ears despite the fact my mom had nixed the idea of me getting them pierced and communicated the same to her friend. (“If God wanted us to have holes in our ears, He would have put them there!”)
At the time, I couldn’t understand why my mom was so incensed by something so small as tiny holes in the ears. It was only after becoming a parent myself that I discovered that tiny holes were simply the face of much larger principles.
Isn’t a trip how all of a sudden “the principle” of the thing matters now that we are moms? Ha! Totally cracked me up, but at the time when she was telling me what happened and she was crazy upset…not so funny. But after a couple of drinks and plenty of chocolate we were laughing at our “mom” stories and how they cross that “principle” line.
I would never presume to even suggest that any of my grandkids’ hair needed cutting, or even tidying up a bit. Taking the scissors to it, would be considered a serious misdemeanor, and I fear I’d never be allowed to babysit again. 🙂
Oh Dude! You’re an awesome grandma! It was a crazy story when it happened … a serious grandparent felony. But she feels a little bit better now.
Totally agreeeeeee!
Principles musn’t be attacked !
Duuuuuuuuuuuuude. Right? Wasn’t that crazy? And her mom was like … what’s the big deal? I totally had to treat her to some chocolate.
some folks just don’t get it – plain and simple and no amount of reason or explanation is going to change it…. steer clear and stay away – warning toxic relationship.
Dude I know right? Some people completely out of it. But it’s her mom, so you know. I think she takes her in small doses from now on 🙂
Some boundaries should not be tested let alone crossed! I have learned over the years what battles to pick with family as well as friends when there is a line crossed. Happy Thursday 🙂
Dude it’s crazy. You feel like you’re trying to figure out your strategy and where you’ll take less casualties right? And sometimes you just have to get out of the house before you go crazy 🙂
A Mobsters marathon on Bio last night. Awesome. I thought of you.
HA! So glad. I love watching those. Could totally pull an all-nighter just hanging out on the couch. Use to watch a lot of those movies with my dad so whenever anything of the mob-like quality comes out on TV I watch.
Oooo, that’s a tough one! Messing up the schedule is bad enough but the haircut…AY! Good thing she had you to vent to. We have definitely all been there. Some things you can just let go because it is not worth the battle. Chocolate is always a good solution to any principle problem.
Hijole que habia drama…Habia! Duuuuude the schedule is a whole another story. Dude. But the haircut … that one was tense. And yeah I knew I had to be packing some chocolate in that meeting.
It’s so funny you wrote this because just this week, while out with my mom, I was saying how cute a little girls hair was at a table near ours. It got us talking about my future not-yet-conceived-or-truly-thought-about children and how I hate it when parents cut hair so short. I love the curls of baby hair and even on little boys, the long locks are often so much cuter than the cropped cut later on. She assured me right then and there that she is a rock ‘n roll type of future grandma and her grandbabies will never have to worry about her scissors coming near their heads, unless asked. Haha! Your friend is lucky to have you in this situation, I would have been pissed if I were her! Glad y’all had the chocolate and wine.
HA! That is funny. Sounds like you have a jamming-awesome kind of mom that won’t need any reminders when you drop off your little ones in the future. They’re the best kind…you won’t have to hide the scissors or tape the schedule on every wall of the house 🙂 And yeah my friend was pretty hot and bothered took a lot of comedy and chocolate to simmer down. 🙂
Sorry to hear about your friend’s situation. That is both upsetting and frustrating. Principle bounderies violations can drive yes crazy. Sometimes we can vent it out because we are comfortable enough to let off steam, sometimes we can’t, let’s say our in-laws or parents. For me, hitting the gym, hit cardio and weighs help. Tried deep breathing but it failed me several times. Like the idea of cholocolate cake though. I love desserts! Congratulations to your kid’s graduation. Great times and awesome things has just began. Happy Summer!
It was totally frustrating for her. Seemed like it was gonna take a while for her to calm down, but after a little girl time and plenty of laughter the outing seemed to help. The breathing thing wasn’t helping her that day… I tried… she said it was beyond breathing. But the night ended well 🙂 She left in good spirits.