Archive | 11:04 PM

The Death of Chips

5 Nov

Dear Corinthians Love is Kind Chic,

I don’t know what to tell you … Maybe you just know love during the cloud-nine stages.

Maybe you need a refresher course on how to survive love taught by the genius comedy kings  Louis CK and Chris Rock. Maybe there’s a reason why your love is kind theory isn’t on family newsletters, because after all family includes mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and in-laws. Love needs a different speech for this particular subset group. Maybe you need to update your whole schpeel because when I see this in my household …


Do you see what's wrong with this picture?

Do you see what’s wrong with this picture?


… love is not kind or patient. It is easily angered and irritable after a long day.

This sort of catastrophe happens all the time and it boggles the mind. Love does not conquer the breakage of vacuum sealed. I mean for crying out loud nitrogen is added to help preserve and protect these chips. Vacuum sealed needs protection to survive. Once this seal is broken the freshness itself escapes and you must do your best to combat staleness. You must!

I know you know. Everyone knows.

Yet this still seems to happen to cereals, pretzels, Goldfishes, Ritz crackers, graham crackers and the Almighty Pirate Booty. The death of vacuum sealed burns me out. The death of chips burns me out as does leaving the cap off the toothpaste, playing Tetris with the garbage can so you don’t have to throw it out, spilling stuff in the fridge and then mysteriously not knowing why it’s dirty. This is not what love is about. This is not kind, or patient. This is does not bear all. This does not endure all kinds of things behavior. This type of behavior results in episodes of Oxygen’s Snapped!

So Corinthians Love is Kind Chic … it’s time for a rewrite.

But wait!

Now that I think of it, you might be a dude, because only a dude would leave out finite details of this nature from the very most important love/marriage speech and still expect patience.

People. Be warned: bags will not be sealed even if they have Ziploc capacities, toothpaste will runneth over and dry out, trash will be piled high and even when taken out the bag will not be replaced, empty toilet paper rolls will suffer the same fate, cupboard doors will remain wide open so that you can smack yourself in the face, juices will be spilled and refrigerators will become sticky with no owners to claim the mess.

This is a part of love. Marriage love, partner love, family love. Be warned … Corinthians lied. There’s anger, irritability, and record of wrongs. So check yourself.