The Web of Lies That is Parenthood

13 Sep

It started with Santa Claus, then the Easter Bunny. A web of lies and secrecy that becomes a code once you enter parenthood. Lying to your kids … this is part of parenthood.

You teach your kids not to lie, but then here you are becoming a master of deceit, acting happy when the Easter basket arrives at your door, and surprised when the Christmas cookies are missing and presents sit underneath the tree.

You would think the lies would stop there. But no … they don’t. They go beyond holidays. Sometimes they’re attached to moments and sometimes it’s not even you who does the lying. Other parents take it upon themselves to spread the dishonesty.

The magical appearance of The Tooth Fairy invaded my son’s head this week as one of his baby teeth became loose. I blame his kindergarten teacher and the neighbors for the start of this new deception. I never introduced the tooth fairy to him. I never instigated the lie, but yes I’m guilty of perpetuating it. As soon as his tooth fell out and I saw his excitement I knew the lies had to continue.

I looked online for mythical stories and other parent liars out there, and apparently there are all kinds of websites that help you print Tooth Fairy certificates and letters from the very elusive tiny creature.  Some bastards even charge you for printing proof of your lies. What is that? I thought we were in this together? How could parents be charging parents?

Ridiculous.

Thanks to the power of Microsoft, I made my own creative gesture. But before Operation Tooth Fairy could unfold I had to get him to bed, and how is easy is that, right?

When you know that someone is coming to bring you something awesome, the concept of sleep sort of escapes you. And I couldn’t get too upset with him. I mean really he’s known that the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus both come while he’s sleeping. It’s no wonder kids never want to go to sleep. No wonder bedtime routines sucks sometimes. Apparently all the awesome stuff happens when they’re asleep.

The letter

The letter

So after reading a story about the magic that is the Tooth Fairy, we brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. He folded his note, placed it under his pillow, put his tooth in a little box, and then put that on top of the note.

He fell asleep with a smile and I guess I knew the Tooth Fairy lies were justified, just part of growing up. The sad part is in a couple of years I’m gonna have to out myself as a complete liar, something which I don’t look forward to, but I’m sure he’ll eventually get through it, just like I did.

So despite knowing that I’d later be considered the biggest mastermind ever, I went on with my Tooth Fairy business and he woke up ecstatic. Sad about the Tooth Fairy taking his tooth, but happy about his reward for growing up.

 

 

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8 Responses to “The Web of Lies That is Parenthood”

  1. bgddyjim September 14, 2013 at 7:45 AM #

    I love the way you spin every-day parenting stuff. You (and by extension, this post) rock.

    • The Guat September 14, 2013 at 9:33 AM #

      HA! Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it. You totally made my day with this comment. I was hoping people would like this post…you know considering I was admitting to being a liar and all 🙂

  2. Jackie Cangro September 14, 2013 at 7:00 PM #

    You are so right…all the cool stuff happens when kids are asleep!
    “he’s known that the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus both come while he’s sleeping. It’s no wonder kids never want to go to sleep.”

    I’m surprised the Tooth Fairy isn’t flat broke. Judging from my nephews and niece, the price of teeth has gone way up since I was a kid. 🙂

    • The Guat September 19, 2013 at 11:05 PM #

      I’m surprised she’s not broke either. I remember being ecstatic with just a dollar. But now … a dollar doesn’t seem to cut it anymore.

  3. Cayman Thorn September 15, 2013 at 9:08 AM #

    To tell you the truth, I always disliked Santa Claus as a child. He was allowed to come in the house and leave a mess when, if me or my sister did it? We’d be grounded for a month. On top of that, he was always leaving substitutions for the stuff I really wanted. And the fat bastard only left crumbs in his wake . . .

    • The Guat September 19, 2013 at 11:06 PM #

      Ha! “Fat bastard left crumbs in his wake,” you totally crack me up. Yeah sometimes he never seemed to bring what I really wanted. 🙂

  4. Thestrugglershandbook September 15, 2013 at 1:43 PM #

    Wait….the tooth fairy’s not real?

    • The Guat September 19, 2013 at 11:07 PM #

      Dude. Totally. Sorry to break it to you dreamer. 🙂

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