What Every Parent Needs to Know

10 Jan

It’s light. It’s crispy. It’s buttery. It’s my savory savior.

I never realized the importance of Ritz Crackers until I became a mom. Goldfish Crackers are awesome. Yes. But Ritz Crackers take it to another level. They don’t tell you this in parenting classes, magazines, or books. They talk about nurturing kids, the importance of play time, and nanny cams. They tell you that you need to always pack wipes, diapers, a pacifier, and an extra set of clothes in the diaper bag. But they don’t tell you to pack the Ritz Crackers. They failed to mention the power of the Ritz.

It should definitely have its own chapter in a book, or a at least be a bullet point in a magazine article. It’s definitely bold-letter worthy.

Image via Nabisco.com

Image via Nabisco.com

I found out about the power when my four-year old was just a toddler. But seeing how he wasn’t really high-strung, or suffering from the terrible twos when he was younger, the power of the Ritz Cracker didn’t reach its full potential until my daughter hit that I-can-go-crazy-in-public-places stage.

So what’s a mom to do when this happens? There’s no reasoning at age one. There’s no ‘hey look at that airplane in the sky’ speech because then she goes crying and reaching for the plane that she can’t have, and so you have another battle.

So what do you do? She doesn’t want you to hug her, she doesn’t want you to hold her hand. She wants to run around in circles and probably hang upside down somewhere. So what do you do?

You reach for your Ziploc bag of Ritz crackers and give her one. It keeps her busy for about ten to fifteen minutes. She savors every bite of that flaky awesomeness, and you have some peace.

But what happens when you’re on a multiple errand run where you have to hit Costco, Target, Best Buy, and Sports Authority? You just bring the entire packet.

What if you’re in the car? On a long road trip or traffic jam and there’s no Maroon 5 or Wheels On The Bus songs to save your life?


What if your making a trip to the doctor’s office where vaccinations may take place? There’s no sticker big enough, colorful enough, or shiny enough to dull away the pain. So what do you do?


What if you’re actually trying to enjoy yourself and decide to take a trip to the stadium where you want to watch at least five innings, three quarters, or two periods of exciting hustle and bustle offense and defense?


What if you go on a trip to your mother-in-law’s?

Well then you probably need some Ritz. The whole box.

Anxiety and stress, they can follow you anywhere. Festering, making the gray hairs accumulate, so how do you prevent this old age attack on your body that could eventually lead to the meltdown, of both parent and child?

Ritz. The mighty Ritz. Don’t forget to pack them.



12 Responses to “What Every Parent Needs to Know”

  1. TBM January 11, 2013 at 3:49 AM #

    Good to know. Wonder if this will work with the better half.

    • The Guat January 11, 2013 at 8:59 AM #

      Yes! They most definitely work. 🙂

  2. Ray Colon January 11, 2013 at 5:51 AM #

    You have as many uses for Ritz as Gus of My Big Fat Greek Wedding has for Windex. “Put some Ritz on it.”

    • The Guat January 11, 2013 at 8:55 AM #

      Ha! That movie was too funny. “Put some Ritz on it.” Dude!!!! What a great title. I totally should of used that!

  3. Stephanie January 11, 2013 at 12:31 PM #

    Yes, great idea. I have never thought of Ritz crackers before but I think I am going to have to go buy some!

    • The Guat January 18, 2013 at 12:53 AM #

      Dude. I think any parent definitely needs a Costco-size supply. 🙂

  4. Cayman Thorn January 11, 2013 at 7:00 PM #

    The miniature sized Ritz pack way more flavor. I cannot prove that as of yet, but I have Mulder and Scully on the case. The only problem being, they’re shacked up in Santa Fe and living on gin and juice. Damn Snoop Dog for being the sage of celebrity retirees!
    On a more serious note, since I can speed that dial every now and then, I gotcha back.

    • The Guat January 13, 2013 at 1:10 AM #

      Any size works over here. Mulder, Scully and Snoop Dog … HA! You crack me up. And thanks so much for the props. Guatacular … I LOVE IT!

  5. adinparadise January 11, 2013 at 7:38 PM #

    Love them myself too. 🙂

    • The Guat January 13, 2013 at 1:11 AM #

      oh my God I think I can eat a whole pack by myself. They’re dangerous.

  6. bgddyjim January 12, 2013 at 9:42 PM #

    Dammit, my mother had us living on those things for YEARS and I never knew why. LOL! You taught me something today. Two points.

    • The Guat January 13, 2013 at 1:13 AM #

      HA! Glad I could shed a little light on the Ritz Cracker mania. As a mom, I shouldn’t have divulged that information out there for everyone’s eyes, but I feel it was my duty to educate all the moms-to-be 🙂

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