The Standoff

15 Nov

Standing on a chair. There I was standing on a chair freaked out of my mind. I guess it’s not a normal response for most people, but it was for me. Most people wouldn’t have paid attention to it. Just another resident of their neighborhood.


Yeah I’d seen them before, plenty of times when I went to go visit my sister in Florida. Plenty of them hanging out by the pool, just getting a tan I guess and, I’d seen plenty of them at the zoo. I’d even seen them in Rango … that Johnny Depp … very awesome. But all of this took place outdoors. The Great Outdoors. They were hanging out in their natural habitat — a place with sunlight, plants, palm trees, cactus, and dirt.

Today they were not hanging out in their neighborhood. Today they were indoors. Today they were hanging out in the kitchen.

Let me tell you something, a kitchen is no place for a lizard. It’s just not.

Image via Steve Creek Wildlife Photography.

It’s really not. I know it’s only about five inches long, and I know it’s practically harmless. Practically being the key word here. You never know. There could be that one bionic lizard that decides to be a nonconformist and attack me or something. I don’t know, it could happen. So this small chance really freaked me out. And I guess it’s strange to hear considering that I think of myself as a strong woman. But I have my moments … most of these freak-me-out-jump-on-a-chair moments revolve around insects, roaches, rats, or small creatures with tails that scamper.

This was no different except my kids were with me this time, distracted by the Sprout Channel, so they had no idea that I was standing on the chair with the heebie-jeebies. I called my dude to inform him of my little standoff, but he was of no help of course. He told me not to freak out, that they were harmless.

Yeah I know they were harmless. I got that part. However I was way beyond rational thinking. I was in freak-me-out mode. When I’m on that chair, the only thing helping me is if that wiggly tail finds itself outdoors, where it belongs. However, my dude didn’t seem to quite get that part of the puzzle. He just kept telling me not to freak out. Yeah … that didn’t help me. The more he repeated it, the more I felt like telling him to jump off a cliff.  He said he’d eventually take care of it when he came home in about two hours.


So I looked over to my fourteen-year old dalmatian, Pinta, to investigate. I thought she might catch it. Back in the day she was the master squirrel chaser and bee catcher, like Grease Lightning. Yeah … that didn’t happen today. I think she has osteoporosis. She took one look at me, slowly walked around the kitchen, sniffed the refrigerator, and then licked a Cheerio that had rolled under the cabinets. She could care less that I was standing on a chair. She could care less that I was freaked out of my mind. She probably looked at me thinking ‘what the hell’s a matter with you?’

Dogs. They fear no lizard, they just fear a shortage of Cheerios. So I stood there, on the chair, by the stove stirring the albondiga soup and waiting for the lizard to make his move.

It was a long evening.

13 Responses to “The Standoff”

  1. iainturs November 16, 2012 at 12:49 AM #

    Absolutely hate them too! Get goosebumps whenever I see one. 😀

    • The Guat November 16, 2012 at 10:38 PM #

      Dude. Total freak-me-out goosebumps! I don’t know how it got in the kitchen, but I sure hope he doesn’t have friends.

      • iainturs November 19, 2012 at 1:56 AM #

        Yeah! His friends would probably be your worst nightmare brought to life. 😀 Take care. :d

  2. adinparadise November 16, 2012 at 4:22 AM #

    Hahaha. I can just picture the scene. We get them in our house, both in Florida and South Africa. I saw one the other day, in my bathroom just under the cabinet where I sit to dry my hair. The hairdryer scared it away, but I’m not sure where to. That’s the worst part…..not knowing. 😯

    • The Guat November 16, 2012 at 11:48 PM #

      Dude can you picture it. HA! Today I’m totally laughing at myself, however yesterday was a different story. When I was out visiting my sister in Florida I saw them all the time by the pool and it never freaked me out, but the kitchen! Sheesh! I could’ve used a hairdryer.

  3. Day Today Dating November 16, 2012 at 9:57 AM #

    EEK! You handled it better than I would have, lol.

    – K.

    • The Guat November 16, 2012 at 11:49 PM #

      Ha! I don’t know if I handled it well at all, but I handled it.

  4. lameadventures November 16, 2012 at 11:04 AM #

    For almost two weeks, around the time of Hurricane Sandy I had a fly buzzing around in my apartment. I’m not sure how it came in, but it was in no hurry to leave. I don’t have crumbs or food out in the open; possibly it was feeding off all the issues of The New Yorkers I have lying around. I would open my door hoping it would take the hint and fly out into the hallway, but in the back of my mind, I thought that it might instead hover near my ear and give the international fly signal to other members of The Annoying Bug Posse: “Life’s good in here, join me!” Fortunately, my fly visitors did not multiply. Finally, a few nights ago, we had a showdown in the bathroom. After repeatedly dodging swats with a towel, I spritzed it with Windex and it fell wounded into an open box of Tampons. I finished it off with a wad of toilet paper and a flush. I actually felt a bit lousy when I realized that I would harm a fly, but this one way overstayed its welcome. If I ever encounter a lizard in my Manhattan kitchen, I would not climb on a chair. I’d drop to the floor with a thud — dead from a heart attack.

    • The Guat November 17, 2012 at 12:02 AM #

      Glad to hear that you that you were doing well and dude you crack me up with your comments. The battle of LA and the Fly, with your secret weapon: Windex and a box of tampons. Love that story. It’s too bad I had no Windex or box of tampons on hand, but even if I did, don’t know how I would use them, you know standing up there on that chair. 🙂 Good to hear from you my friend 🙂

  5. Andrea Kelly November 16, 2012 at 8:11 PM #

    Bahahaha this is what happens to me whenever I see a spider!!

    • The Guat November 17, 2012 at 12:07 AM #

      Yeah those are killers too. Roaches and mice are even worse.

  6. ArticlesofAbsurdity November 17, 2012 at 5:56 PM #

    I’ve heard of bionic lizards.

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