Archive | 11:58 PM

Lonjas, Spanx, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Cotton Blends

16 Jul

As I was looking through some pictures recently, I discovered something disturbing. Although I’m not a vain person, I do have shame and this very shame has taught me to wear appropriate clothing for my body type.

No Daisy Dukes for my grown-ass 36-year old body, unless they’re board shorts and I’m on the beach. And surely no midriff if I’m not sporting a six-pack, which I’m not. Haven’t had one since high school and even then it was a two-pack at best.

As I was thumbing through some photos, I noticed some recent pictures of me and a couple of friends. Now apparently there is a certain way to pose when you’re taking a group photo and being the Guat that I am, I had no idea that some of my friends had mastered the Oscars Red Carpet pose, even when wearing shorts and sandals, or jeans and t-shirts. Poses that make you look more appealing and hide what every woman wants to camouflage — the lonja — the love handles, the flabby stomach rolls hanging out under your t-shirt or blouse. But being in this Red Carpet pose means turning my back on my friend, instead of hugging her … and I’m big on hugs.

Now I am aware that my body isn’t in tip-top pre-baby form and I’m o.k. with that, but after looking at these pictures I wasn’t too happy with my lonjas making an appearance in these photos. Granted they are not very big and I’m sure everyone I know has a couple, but no one wants to check these out in a group photo. Mine are usually private and stay confined to the undershirt or tank top, but apparently they were not comfortable in the cotton blend shirt I was wearing.

In all honesty it shouldn’t have bothered me because I have a killer smile, great skin, and good hair, but there I was being a chick and scrutinizing myself. Then one of my family members walked in the room and asked me what I was doing, and I mentioned that I was just looking at photos, but that I felt kind of bad because my lonja made its debut. And then they said something that only family can say …

“Well maybe you shouldn’t eat all that chocolate …”

Now … I’m not a violent person by any means, but I felt the urge to become an Ultimate Fighting Champion at that moment and smash somebody’s face. Fortunately for them I’m trying this new ZenFour-AgreementsHappiness Project thing so I maintained my composure and kept flipping through the photos.

You might ask … is this true? Do you eat a lot of chocolate? And … Yeah. Yeah I do. But people know better than to say something this stupid. But the fact that I eat truck loads of chocolate has nothing to do with my lonjas. You might think so, but it doesn’t I work out. I play sports. It has more to do with giving birth to a kid and my stomach not being what it used to be five years ago. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re 36.

HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm The Midriff Episode

I guess this all could have been avoided by wearing Spanx, but I really don’t see myself buying a pair of those things, unless I’m walking the red carpet. But after this little photo shoot, who knows, I might just pick me up a pair.

But then I saw something on television and realized, maybe I don’t need Spanx as much as I think I do. After watching a rerun of Curb Your Enthusiasm, I felt much better.  It was the Midriff Episode. It’s a pretty hilarious take on Larry’s new assistant and her being comfortable enough with her body image that she wears a short tight t-shirt that exposes her midriff. However, Larry being Larry makes this entire episode pretty funny. And it made me realize that I needed to relax. My lonjas are not that bad, and even though everyone else’s don’t show in the picture, everyone has them. They just had better clothes. So I embrace  my lonjas  … yes embrace them! But let’s not get crazy and have them make another appearance in a photo shoot. Note to self … work on that Red Carpet pose. No … scratch that … that’s not you. I’m more of the Heisman Trophy pose. Let’s try again … Note to self pick a different shirt. 100 percent cotton seems to work best. No blends.