Archive | 11:13 PM

Missing In Action

9 Apr

I don’t know what happened to them. One day they’re here, the next day they’re gone. They just disappear.

It’s like the thing that happens with your socks in the washer/dryer. You put in a pair and you come out with a single drunken sock. It happens all the time. You search your Maytag inside out, but it never turns up. You’re left with a sad collection of mismatched socks and do your best to pair up the lonely widowed socks with a new mate. 

This is something expected. Everyone experiences this sometime in their life.

But knives?

Where the hell do they escape? What is this? Who takes knives? Some crazy ninja assassin knife-throwing expert runs away with my Bed Bath & Beyond collection of cutlery in the dark of night.

a set of black Laguiole steak knives

a set of black Laguiole steak knives (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t get it.

Back in September I had eight steak knives, eight forks and eight spoons. Yesterday I had one steak knife, two forks, and 11 spoons.

I’m confused. 

I don’t know what kind of metamorphosis goes on when I close the utensil drawer, or when I place the utensils on the dish rack to dry and turn off the kitchen light. All I know is that they’re missing in action.

My mother swears it had to be me, because as you know, if anything goes wrong I’m automatically a suspect. I’m the Usual Suspect. Never mind the fact that she constantly misplaces things on a daily basis and swears she never sees them. Stuff like the cordless phone, the remote control, the car keys, and the mail constantly get up and leave the premises. They just get up and walk away — a regular miracle.

So here I sit confused as to the possibilities of why I only have one knife. Seven are missing and I’ve got three extra spoons. I’m in the Kitchen Twilight Zone with mom hovering like a Narc.

I offer a couple of explanations to try to appease her.

1) You probably threw them in the trash when you throw away any extra food scraps left on your plate. I know it’s not me, because I never throw away food. I love food. I get seconds and sometimes thirds.

Her answer: No. I would never. You probably did it. You’re just not aware.

2) Garbage disposal. It got stuck in the garbage disposal and somehow mysteriously got sucked into that disgusting black hole.

Her answer: Are you kidding me?

3) Maybe you took them with your lunch and forgot them inside the Tupperware that you forget to bring home? 

Her answer: I always bring my Tupperware home. Maybe you take them with you accidentally when you pack your son’s lunch for your outing at  the park or zoo and then forget it there.

4) I don’t know what tell you …