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This Did Not Take 30 Minutes Rachel Ray

7 Feb
English: Rachel Ray in knee-length fashion boo...

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I love the Food Network. I’m a big fan. Bobby Flay, Tyler Florence, Paula Deen, Guy Fieri, and Rachel Ray are among my favorites. I’m not a food snob or anything, I’m just a carnivore. I’m a lover of food. I thoroughly enjoy every bite of whatever I eat. I have seconds, thirds, and even fourths without worrying about calorie-counting or portion size. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow so I eat big. My mentality is…just work it off tomorrow. Work it off. That pretty much seems to function well.

But if there’s no love in the cooking I can totally taste it, and I don’t stand up for seconds. I’m ashamed of the sad dinner. I mean I’m not a culinary specialist or a Like Water For Chocolate old school chef, but I whip up some good meals and the Food Network helps me out most of the time…but not this day.

If you’re not familiar with the Food Network, Rachel Ray is well-known for her 30-minute meals. I love her pasta dishes, but wanted to try something different and I saw the Surf ‘n’ Turf Mexican Style Episode. I thought even though I’m Guatemalan, I could pull it off. 

No. No soup for you!

Officially the recipe is called Sliced Chili Rubbed Flank Steak on Spicy Rice with Shrimp and Guacamole Stacks. The title alone should have given me a clue. This would not be possible in thirty minutes. Not in this island-less kitchen with two kids and no dishwasher.

This was simple: rice, meat, and shrimp. I’ve cooked these elements before on my own, but I thought she had this special recipe that kept it to thirty minutes. No. Not special…I think they use the 30-minute title loosely, just like the express aisle at the supermarket. 15 items or less…give or take. This was definitely give and take…about an hour’s worth.

However, I think the problem began with the chopping. I think I’m handicapped in that department, because in her kitchen she chops the onion and doesn’t cry. Not even a sniffle. I’m over here bawling my eyes out as if I had that crazy intrusive glaucoma test at the eye doctor. I must have the wrong kind of knives. I need special onion knives. That in itself needed a timeout. I was sidelined as I tried to compose myself. 

My second error I chalk up to  her constantly “eye-balling it”…you know cooking spray…eye ball it, EVOO (extra virgin olive oil to you non Food Network peeps) …eye ball it, chili powder… eye ball it, hot sauce … eye-ball it. From that spicy kick in my meal I could tell we totally have different eye balls.

Then the rub. I come from a chicken marinating family and this “just let the rub sit there for a minute…”doesn’t do it. Meat is all about the flavor, so the rub hung out more than a couple of minutes, at least ten, or until I got the rice going.

And of course at the end of my preparation, my kitchen was not clean at the end of the shift…I had that special garbage bowl she speaks of, but regardless cilantro, onions, avocado, and beef rub made appearances on the floor and counters. I had to do some clean up.

All in all it took a little over an hour for this 30-minute meal. Maybe it was a you-can-eat-this-in-thirty-minutes-or-less meal, because it was savory and it did disappear. Perhaps I need to make this meal ten times and have no kids within a three-mile radius to finish it in 30 minutes. Plus a dishwasher. Well, that and the special onion knives.