Archive | 11:48 PM

I Don’t Believe That Everything Happens for a Reason Unless Keifer Sutherland is Involved

26 Jan
Jack Bauer

Image via Wikipedia

I hate that saying … “Everything happens for a reason.”

It’s like nails scratching on a chalkboard when I hear it. Do we still even have chalkboards in America? Ugh. You’re down in the gutter of disillusionment, clinging to life by a rope made of dental floss and someone says…”Well, everything happens for a reason.”

What is that?

You don’t want to hear that.

Does anybody else hate that?

That just makes me want to tie a noose with that dental floss rope and hang off a bridge. 

At the moment that your hemisphere is crashing on you, all you can think of is what crappy luck you have, because it can’t be karma. You’re scared of that bitch so you tend to walk a straight line and only live vicariously through characters on AMC or FX shows.

So you never really give thought to that saying. You chalk it up to bad luck or bad decisions. As in a bad decision for that person not to give me that job so I’m broke, or bad luck that I got a flat tire and there was no spare in the back. Nothing happens for a “mysterious reason” that will probably never appear. 

I’d probably drive myself into a drinking coma if I tried to find the reason. I’d learned that it was just bad luck and I was probably suffering one of the worst batches of bad luck in the universe, like a degenerate gambler clutching onto his last chip because he gambled his house away and now he’s letting it ride on red 32.  But apparently the universe is interconnected in some way. This is what Kiefer says and it was completely laid out in his new non-Jack Bauer show: Touch.

I normally don’t write about television shows, because I figure everyone has their own sense of great television from Mad Men to crazy reality television on Bravo. But after watching Kiefer’s show last night I finally “got it”. 

All these people were having pretty much crappy existences culminating in one day and Kiefer’s son sort of connected the dots. It was a good visualization of “things happening for a reason,” although the man who lost his daughter and the phone containing his only pictures of her…yeah the universe would have to cough up some more meaningful answers, because that sort of thing never makes sense and has no reason. But the “eventually” happened for everyone in the one-hour show, granted for the characters it was more like a week or so, and for real-life Guat time it takes years. Maybe a decade.

So Kiefer as everything happens for a reason…I’m still waiting for my retrospective moment as to why I’m stuck living with a Dr. Jekyll-Mrs. Hyde mom that does laundry at eleven o’clock when your kids are sound asleep and then woken up to the sound of Gloria Vanderbilt jean buttons whacking away in the dryer. Or perhaps the retrospective moment will happen when my 93rd loss of “Battle of the Bottles” occurs and I say screw it the baby can learn to drink from a straw. 

So now that Kiefer opened my eyes to the road map and the Chinese unbreakable red string that mysteriously connects all these people in my path…what up Kiefer? When am I getting out of purgatory and how many dots in my-everything-happens-for-a-reason map need to be connected for that?

Thanks to Kiefer I’m aboard the train now, just waiting for the transfer to kick in.

Giddy up!