The Coupon Lady

13 Jan
coupon lady!

Image by dusty_pen via Flickr

You go to the grocery store, thinking it’s going to be in- and-out. A quick trip, possibly during halftime, hoping to make it back before the second half begins. You head to the shortest line hoping you get there before the senior citizen with the packed cart. You make it to the conveyor belt and then you see her … ugh … and wince … it’s The Coupon Lady. Have you met this bitch with her multiple transactions and three-ring binder of coupons?

All I wanted to do was pay for my pretzels and fermented beverages and get back to the game. By the time I looked at the other lines they were full with moms, dads, 9-to-5 suits who just got off work and are picking up the bare essentials for tonight’s dinner. I had no choice but to stand there by the KitKats and People en Espanol and pretend to have patience and not roll my eyes. I got back with six minutes left in the fourth quarter. So l told myself…never again will you come during food-traffic time.

The next time I’ll go on a Wednesday at noon. But before this little trip to the grocery store I happen to run into something on The Learning Channel…Extreme Couponing. Have you seen this? These chicks leave with three-weeks worth of groceries and five boxes of diapers for a dollar nineteen.

Dude.

These women mastered the art of the double coupon. But the thing is they don’t even use half of the stuff. It’s kept in their Costco-size pantries or garages to live a happy shelf life. I mean who eats that much ketchup? I was hoping that some of them donate to food banks or shelters, but they look like crazy hoarders.

Dude. The Learning Channel educates. I looked at the paper, daily circulars, and the internet. I did my grocery homework that week.

Once prepared, I decided to go to the grocery store in the middle of the day and shop for the week. I took my time. Got in line and started unpacking my stuff, made sure I got my pretzels and beverages with that extra hops flavor and something from Belgium just as a treat. Before I knew it I was separating my food groups, using my club card and giving the checker some of manufacture coupons and internet coupons.

I was not an extreme couponer at all, more like a novice with training wheels. I felt proud for saving a couple of bucks. I saw the total winding down, and as I turned around, I saw it … A single man in worn-out jeans holding a Hungry Man dinner and Gatorade.

Crap!

I’d become the Coupon Lady during the lunch rush.

He gave me the look. No … not the Coupon Lady … but the Coupon Lady Bitch with multiple transactions and two kids, one of the verge of a meltdown.

Duuuuuuuuuude.

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6 Responses to “The Coupon Lady”

  1. susielindau October 3, 2012 at 2:28 PM #

    NOOOOOOOOOOO! Not the look!
    Hysterical! I try to use coupons, but I can never find them we I need those little suckers!
    Hahaha! Great post!

  2. lynnkelleyauthor October 3, 2012 at 3:28 PM #

    Hahahahaha! Funny post, and I love how it came around full circle! Well done!

    • The Guat October 3, 2012 at 10:02 PM #

      Thanks for stopping by, glad you enjoyed it.

  3. Waldo "Wally" Tomosky October 4, 2012 at 12:35 PM #

    Susie sent me but that is not the point. Great post! However – – – you may want to consider switching methodology like this lady did.
    http://whoopiebrain.wordpress.com/2012/06/23/forget-price-compare/

  4. My Ox is a Moron October 5, 2012 at 8:45 AM #

    I meet the best people at Susie’s parties. This made me laugh because I used to be the coupon lady. Then I started to irritate myself because it took me so long to get through the checkout line. Now I look with sympathy at all those coupon ladies. They really don’t do much else with their life and they really ought to.

    • The Guat October 5, 2012 at 1:26 PM #

      I’m glad you got a laugh out of it. I was completely mortified when I saw the dude behind me. I didn’t have a binder or anything but he seemed to be in a rush I had a handful of coupons. Now I’m all about non-rush hour market shopping, nobody’s there at the crack of dawn

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